January 27th, 2008

I was reading this post (freaking hilarious!) about colon hydrotherapy, which brought back memories of my own sessions. I was preparing for a group initiation into the energies of the Archangel Michael, and I wanted my body to be the clearest vessel possible.

What basically happens in this series of procedures is that the therapist slides a well lubed tube thingie into your backside. It has a device to connect two tubes on the outside, one for water going in to flush the system, the other for expelled matter.

Here’s the thing. I firmly believe that your backside is designed for egress, not ingress. In other words, nothing should be going in. I knew that these procedures would give me health benefits, but had a hard time getting past the method. So I paid in advance for the first four appointments. If I hadn’t paid up front for work down back, I probably wouldn’t have showed. I noticed results after that, so I showed up regularly.

The therapist was very shy, and spiritual. I expected she had heard all the jokes about what a crappy job she had, but I was determined to brighten her life with new ones. Because really? That’s just the kind of lovely person I am, making a shy woman squirm while I tell poop and fart jokes. No, you can’t reward me. I took down the donate button. Well, you could vote for me, or subscribe to my feed. I’m reliving awkward moments here, people. I can’t hear your applause, but I can see the numbers.

I used deep breathing techniques to allow the water maximum room to flush, and to alleviate the cramping that results from toxins being stirred up prior to expulsion. The toxins made me feel nauseous, but not throw up nausea, it was more in my bowel. I felt it a little with each flush. What I find funny is that my Grammie always called the indoor toilet the flush. Because she vividly remembers the other kind that did not flush.

What fascinated me most besides the bits of corn, turds, and recognizable food sloshing by in the egress tube, were the enormous air bubbles coming out the tube into the sealed container (so it wouldn’t offend your olfactory sensibilities). These things reminded me of the bubbles you get by dipping a broom handle with an attached loop into a bucket of detergent. They were That.Large. I had visions of little kids dancing in meadows, making bubbles of my farts.

I wanted to know how she could possibly deprive my family of such treasures. After all, Dances with Shrapnel had christened me Methane Mom. I had a lot to live up to. She made a choking sound, which passed for laughter masked by embarrassment. There was no getting this woman to laugh.

She was, however, very interested in the Archangel Michael group activation I was holding, and attended. She also came regularly to my group meditations/pot luck gatherings.

I often wondered if she could see those enormous fart bubbles in her mind’s eye when I was leading a meditation.

I never got a real belly laugh out of her. Doesn’t she know that poop is funny?

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 27th, 2008 at 11:40 am and is filed under Dances with Shrapnel, Grammie, poop is funny, the mundane. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

29 Responses to “You can see your farts”

Ree Says:

Um, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Ree’s last blog post..Showin? Off Saturday

teeni Says:

Oh my goodness – this was too funny. And so was the link you had in the post. I had heard a little about this process but really had no idea about all that was involved. And now I just know way too much. LOL.

teeni’s last blog post..Three Strikes and You?re Out!

zoe Says:

i saw them do one of those things on jackass once. the guys had a contest to see whose crap bucket weighed the most. god i love that show. i’m so juvenile. did you know corn is really just buckshot for your colon? also did you know girls don’t fart…ever…so my boys think.

zoe’s last blog post..I’m done

Niro Says:

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… well.. I donno…Well I wish my blogosphere like to see this Sl Blogs

Niro’s last blog post..Group of 21 assures collective commitment on Disarmament

Jenny Says:

I’m SO glad I was eating while I read this…looking down at my CORN and peas, thinking how grand they’ll look on the flip side. I’ve always wanted to do colonic hydrotherapy but read that you have to do 15 sessions in 30 days for it to work really well. I’ll have a hard time convincing DH to pay for 15 sessions.
I cannot wait to see Old Knudsen’s comment. I wait anxiously.

Jenny’s last blog post..Letters to the Universe

Old Knudsen Says:

Ok I’m here, what a disgusting post, weemen aren’t supposed to fart next you’ll know they’ll be doing the dutch oven on their men. And you had the nerve to mention the picture on my post. The arse is for unloading only, and don’t bring up the gurlyboy I married in the 80’s cos that was love combined with alcohol and a long boring sea voyage. Imagine not being able to make a woman whose job it was to stick tubes up bums laugh, everytime a tube goes in she kicks herself for not doing better at school , well thats what I think about when I have to turn tricks for beer money but we won’t get into that.
I’m going to stumble this cos I want the world to share my disgust now I’m off to empty my commode its over flowing due to having type this long comment. I’m also going to sent this post to the Diocese of Leeds to teach them a lesson. And Jenny corn is the best recyclable about have you ever tried to see how many times you can eat it before the body breaks it doon? I’ll not spoil yer enjoyment of that experiment with my own results.

Old Knudsen’s last blog post..No, I Am The Way

Veronica Says:

I’m laughing, but I’m also slightly nauseated. Funny though, that won’t stop me checking out the link.

I can’t believe you couldn’t make her laugh. I mean hello? laughing cures embarassment.

Veronica’s last blog post..Weekly Winners

Jenny Says:

Oh you people kill me! That link made me laugh so hard, my husband finally asked me if I was okay. So I told him I am going to start going for colonic hydrotherapy. I mean what’s not to love about using your own poo as a slip-n-slide? Now that’s something that I would SWEAR would only happen to me. I’m gonna go re-read it for another laugh before dinner. Oh, and I’m serving mixed veggies… with CORN!

BTW…the spell checker does not like “colonic” it really wants to replace it with colonies/colonist/colonized. I could make a joke about that, but I’ll refrain.

Jenny’s last blog post..Letters to the Universe

kailani Says:

Judging from the title, I knew I should have waited till after I finished eating before reading this!

kailani’s last blog post..Keep An Eye On Your Children

Loads and Loads of Bling! | Sleepless Nights Says:

[...] for doing my maths problems in an email this morning. Also, because who else would make me laugh and cringe at the same [...]

ABB Says:

as much as I think it could use a cleaning, I don’t want anything up my butt. I vote republican (just kidding about the republican thing). seriously though, ouch!

ABB’s last blog post..death in general

mommyknows Says:

You’re hilarious!

Thanks for the laugh.

MK

mommyknows’s last blog post..U Comment, I Follow — Join the Movement.

Angella Says:

Poop is ALWAYS funny. Always.

Angella’s last blog post..Call Me Irresponsible

cookiebitch Says:

Even the word “Poop is funny.” So is “Poo.”

And farting? It’s like marraige therapy in my house. We can be mad about something, but as soon as one of us lets one rip – all is forgiven. Sick ass people that we are.

cookiebitch’s last blog post..… OF THE WEEK

Whimspiration Says:

Okay, after Keebler’s comment about little corn-eyed, greenish-brown “ass goblins” floating down the tube, sreaming and clinging to the sides of it with little sucker-fingers so as not to get dragged away from their precious homes by the process, and your descriptions of being able to actually see your farts, I think I may actually look into getting a colonic, just for the giggle factor! *laugh*

Whimspiration’s last blog post..Not So Perfect

Just Beachy Says:

Um..

You Make Me Laugh…..

Just Beachy’s last blog post..What is it With Bubble Wrap Already?

Marie Says:

Hey, when I wrote about my colonic experience, you didn’t mention you’d had one too!

Marie’s last blog post..Hang on to your panties!

Talina Says:

I don’t think I would have the courage to do it.. I have butt insecurities, don’t want anyone looking at it or even near it…

I am stressed about having kids for that reason, too close to the anus..

Talina’s last blog post..Ahhh… What is going on?

kaylee Says:

GROSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

kaylee’s last blog post..Gifts are great

Loralee Says:

Oh my hell.

I have such excruciating excrement issues it is a miracle I survived reading this, but I have always wondered if this really helped people who have it done and I’ve been considering doing it.

You are a very brave woman. I just don’t know if I could go through with it.

Loralee’s last blog post..De Plane! De Plane!

Sandra Says:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew… There is no way that anyone can stick a tube up my arse to flush anything out! Thanks for the post though, it was fun to read ;)

Sandra’s last blog post..The cat is injured… again!

Calamity Says:

Oh my! ROFL! Youa re so funny! I can always count on one of your posts to give me a good laugh LOL

Calamity’s last blog post..Monday

nan Says:

Umm… Maybe the lady has little boys, and has been rendered temporarily immune to poop humour?

nan’s last blog post..TEN years old!!!

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