May 23rd, 2008

Ah, memories. When I was looking at photos to unearth from my dusty albums yesterday,I was reminded of the time the town thought I had a bastard child.

My father had remarried to somewhat reclusive 23 year old, mildly amusing OCD stepmother the previous May, and she bore him a son December 27th of that same year. Yes. You, too, can do maths.

Early in January, when the baby was only ten days old, the whole family moved from a bustling metropolis to the quiet resort town I was born in. I rather enjoyed being a big sister to a cute baby, and I took him with me everywhere but school. He was a social child, and the stepmother was somewhat reserved.

Here’s the image that brought it back to me.

Now look in the background, on the clothesline. See all those? They would be diapers. And onesies. And all sorts of baby thingies.*

Somehow it didn’t occur to me that people would not believe me when I insisted this child was not mine. He was a very smart and entertaining kid. Small town. Something fun to do, right?

It was quite a while before mildly amusing OCD stepmother ventured onto the streets of our quaint little town. And when she took the little professor in his stroller, he would recognize people and perk right up. That’s really how she got to know people there. Through the child that had already charmed half the populace.

First, she had to go through the gauntlet.

“Why, you’re taking witchypoo’s baby for a walk.”

“No. This is my son.”

“But he was only ten days old when she moved here with him.”

“When I moved here with my husband, son, and stepchildren.”

This happened so many times that she forayed out less and less. She couldn’t seem to take credit for this remarkable being.

What nobody would tell me is that my boyfriend was Horny McSlutty. I mean that he was doing just about every girl and woman for miles around. The guys really liked him, as he was charismatic, and the girls wouldn’t reveal their own part in him being such a slut. I was extremely naive, to say the least, but it would have been physically impossible for me to have given birth ten days before we moved. You know, the whole sex thing. Generally it’s necessary to get pregnant.

So it seemed natural that Horny McSlutty’s girlfriend had already produced a child out of wedlock. Turns out he had a few of them running around.

Want to know what was really funny?

My father was beyond strict with me. I had rigid curfews. My theory was that he remembered what he was like at that age.

When did he lift my curfews? When?

When I took up with Horny McSlutty.

The one all the guys, including my father, liked.

Irony? I think so.

* The image in the red jumpsuit with the child on my shoulders? That would be the little professor, the one who is in the Air Force today.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 23rd, 2008 at 2:26 pm and is filed under it's all about me, stories from the olden days. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

19 Responses to “The Little Professor”

Memarie Lane Says:

My dad and I went to Costco a couple weeks ago, just the two of us, a 57 year old man and a young pregnant woman. We wondered why people kept giving us dirty looks, and suddenly we realized they must have thought we were a couple.

Memarie Lanes last blog post..Misunderstood

iamthediva Says:

That is ironic.

iamthedivas last blog post..The Post in which i say Underpants… a lot….

ALF Says:

When people saw pictures from my wedding they thought the pictures of my dad and his mother were pictures of my grandma and grandpa because they both have gray hair. Kind of funny!

ALFs last blog post..Can I Be That Guy?

zoe Says:

you always have the sweetest family memories.

zoes last blog post..Cutie Cum Laude

TV Bracket Says:

It is funny how people jump too conclusions. I spend a lot of time with my daughter’s grandfather (her dad’s dad) since we are both single and not too many others we know are. It is nothing but there are those who assume we are dating.

Coast Rat Says:

You deserved better than this Horny McSlutty guy, doing everyone he could. People definitely do jump to conclusions. Thanks for sharing.


Talina Says:

I bet that was a strange situation for you! Aren’t small gossipy towns great?

Talinas last blog post..It is snowing again, in MAY! Is it global warming?

Ree Says:

Aw, I would have loved to wait until I was in High School to have my brother and sister too. Maybe then I would have liked them.

Rees last blog post..Going to the Chapel

lceel Says:

I wonder what kind of image I left behind in England. There we were, standing in front of the tube station entrance at Paddington. An older, fat white guy and a young, LARGE black kid. Him sobbing. Me with my arms around him, his head buried in my chest. Standing there, right in front of the entrance to the station. I hope they thought we were British.

(One of the kids on the trip had just had two minutes, on that same corner, with his estranged father.)

lceels last blog post..Friday – the weekend cometh

Jenny Says:

What was it like having a mildly amusing OCD stepmother who was only a few years older than you were? Did you share girly stories?

Jennys last blog post..You Know You’re a Crappy Housekeeper When…

momo Says:

Takes my breath away;-)
What can I say?
Not that we get everything we deserve, or maybe we do, or Perhaps that is just a snide remark.
However, if we look at life, irony would appear to be a constant regulator.

momos last blog post..THE PEOPLE YOU MEET

Meg Says:

Sometimes I think I’m a mild OCD mother, ur…I mean, blogger.

Interesting story. Reminds me to get some of my older photos digitized.

Megs last blog post..Dude, Get Off Of My Cloud

Kelley Says:

My mothers youngest sister was born when she was 17. My Nanna worked at their company so my Mum would look after K.

Apparently the rumour was that K was my mother and her BROTHERS love child.

People are sick.

Kelleys last blog post..Damn. I wasted my wishes.

liddle sister Says:

We were just discussing this a couple of days ago, how everyone thought he was yours because you took him everywhere with you…that’s so funny.

Kristabella Says:

My nephews look a lot like me and when they were little, people would be all “your son is so cute.”

And then I would laugh like a crazy person because hell no, people, I have no kids.

Not the mama!

Kristabellas last blog post..All Weekends Should Be 3-Day Weekends

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