February 11th, 2008 | 21 Comments »

The number one search term to date is “meat juice” . I’m not sure I want to know just what was in people’s minds when they searched for it, but I published a post that may have coined the term, and it did create a bit of buzz.

blogging mediocrity – Let’s not be cruel, people.

place your face on a movie star – Somehow, I don’t think the movie star would appreciate it.

Is meat juice blood? – Why, yes, yes it is.

“torture Bra” – This might be number two in the list of search terms. I think whoever did the searching might have been looking for a specific creepy device, but really, all bras are by nature, instruments of torture.

pictures that make your eyes bleed – Use your own imagination here.

fart breathing device – I’m not sure if this is intended to find a way to breathe when farts are around, or a device that lets you breathe actual farts. Wouldn’t that be a big seller?

what can i eat to make me fart? – I don’t know why you would want to know this, unless you are planning to produce fodder for the fart breathing device, but may I suggest beans?

are men only supposed to fart – I think this was prompted by Old Knudsen’s comment. They wanted to verify his information.

girls dont fart – I think we have settled that one.

see girls farting – Someone believes not only that girls do fart, but that there may be photographic evidence. The only visible farts are the ones you light. Are we sensing a trend here?

toilets “air assist” – Maybe if you need help farting? I’m good thanks. Nothing to see here folks, just move along.

badarse – This could happen after fart lighting gone terribly, terrribly wrong.

can you throw-up your poop? – If you eat it, I would think it would be mandatory.

wicked image – Of course, that is the kind of image you would expect from a Tool of Satan. In these parts, however, wicked can mean “very” as in, “This lobster is wicked good”. Lobster is another food that makes you fart.

how to make a girl horny with touch – I’m not sure how this got to me. I can only imagine the sad little man who so desperately wants to get laid.

how to get a boy horny give me advice – You’ll have to submit this question to “Ask witchypoo”.

whales as healers – Yes, but their office might be a bit quirky. And I would love to see their lab coats and stethoscopes.

what to do if your eye bleeds? – I would suggest getting yourself to the nearest whale healer as quickly as possible. They have big eyes, and would be sympathetic.

you know you’re old when – Sadly, I get a lot of these.

going on strike from your husband – I did that a long, long time ago. Although they call it divorce. It can be refreshingly freeing if you keep on walking sometimes.

rum for babies to go to sleep – This practice is frowned upon nowadays. I don’t know why, unless it’s the rampant use of Benedryl.

world of warcraft isnt a game – Yes, yes, it is. You, on the other hand, consider it a job because YOU HAVE NO LIFE.

Blogging mediocrity right here, folks! Get it while it’s hot.

Those of you who do have a life, may want to pop over to my amazing crystal shop and art gallery which is just full of my preciousssss.

December 27th, 2007 | 13 Comments »

One of the characteristics of autistic behaviours is obsessions. Come to think of it, I just might be autistic myself. But this isn’t about me. Hah!

Ass Burger Boy was obsessed with toilets ever since toilet training began. I think I may have helped to fuel this obsession, since I was pretty eager not to clean up poop.

This obsession impacted my older sister, who had taken ABB to Sears and was thoroughly mortified when he demonstrated his big boy skills in the display toilet. I don’t think she praised him for it. Encouragement is critical during toilet training. It may have set him back a bit.

By sheer accident, I stumbled onto the “What’s in it for me?” method of motivating ABB. I swear I knew the instant he was toilet trained for real. I could see in his eyes the connection as he made it to being a big boy, toilet training, and another fascination of his, which was beards. Since every time he used the potty, I told him he was getting to be a bigger boy, it really clicked with him when I said that when he was bigger, he could grow a beard of his own, much preferable to feeling up the beards of random strangers. I swear I used all the creativity I could muster to motivate that chile.

During this very long period of time,we lived in a place with air in the pipes, and the toilet made a horrifying noise, which I tried to explain by telling him that the toilet needed to clear its throat. Yes, in hindsight, this was entirely stupid of me, but hey, the kid was terrified. Frankly, so was I. Terrified he would never come near a toilet again. I saw myself changing poopy diapers up to the time I might need mine changed. The noise it made sounded like a screechy ERRRRRR, so we made friends with it, and called the toilet Errr.

This led to a great curiosity about other people’s toilets. He wanted to find out if anyone else had a toilet with personality that he could befriend.

Every time we went to a place he hadn’t been to before, he would ask the inhabitants right away “What colour is your toilet?” followed by “Can I see it?” These are the questions he came up with after I had to hurriedly explain to him that only our toilet was called Errr, because of course, he asked to see their Errr, and they had no idea what the Errr he meant.

A few years after he was toilet trained, he asked less often to see people’s toilets, and he quit entirely asking them what colour their toilet was. I didn’t fully understand the perseverance of his obsessions, but was happy to let it go.

A few weeks ago, I asked him if when he goes to a new place, he makes it a point to use the bathroom.

Yes, yes, he does. He has just gotten more subtle with his obsessions as he has matured. And now, I have more mildly amusing stories, and less explanations to provide.