December 18th, 2008 | 17 Comments »

Sometimes, it’s tough to dredge up a post involving search terms for me, because a lot of them are similar. So when I see one that is mildly intriguing, why I just paste it into my editor and save it until I get a few I can reply to. Here is the current crop. Do you notice a theme?

i fart a lot never poop A fart is your body’s signal that a poop is imminent. Ignore it at your peril, and periodically produce painful, rock-like waste matter.

punishment for farting See above. That? Is punishment.

funny poopy It must be the 10 year old boy in all of us, but yes.

does colonic irrigation stop me farting No, it doesn’t. But it does make your magnificent farts visible

“hair in rollers” Just don’t sleep in them. Painful.

cleaning the house naked Yes. But no cooking with hot oil or bacon. Ouch.

“sex with shoes” How would you obtain the consent of said shoes? And what kind of a fit would that be anyway? (Tab A, Slot B, I don’t think so)

skinny bitch real? One hundred percent real. I read the stories to her and she congratulated me on my excellent memory. Only thing changed is the name.

i know i can be a bitch Don’t worry. Even bitches have friends. Usually people who enjoy being pushed around and yelled at for no reason.

Posted in search terms
April 10th, 2008 | 24 Comments »

My dear friend, Skinny Bitch, loves money. She loves to instill values of money in her children. To do this she does not just grant them their every wish, oh, no, she does not.

She tells them that until they have a job, they are poor. Their parents money is not their money. Makes sense to me in a Bill Cosby sort of way.

She is also a tad perverse with her parenting. She likes to mess with their heads a bit. Says it will make them stronger, but I know her, she does it because it’s fun.

One time, when Heartstopper was about six, Skinny Bitch sat her and George down and said she had sad news for them. Shaking her head sadly, she announced:

“I don’t think we can afford summer this year.”

Heartstopper, who loves summer every bit as much as her mother does, was stunned, and a tiny bit heartbroken.

“Can we go to the beach once?”

Her mother sighed, and looked like she was thinking hard to find a way to go to the beach under the unbearable burden of being unable to afford summer.

“We’ll have to wait and see.”

Oh, that pesky summer, and it having to cost so much to enjoy the warmth as you play outside.

Perverse parenting. She’s the master.

Posted in Skinny Bitch
March 28th, 2008 | 16 Comments »

Skinny Bitch has two children, Heartstopper, and George. They call him George after George Costanza on Seinfeld. He plans to stay in his room forever and never move out.

When they were little, Skinny Bitch caught them smoking. Being the perverse parent she is, she made an announcement.

“Go to your rooms and pack your bags. I’m calling the police to take you to the Home for Children Who Smoke.”

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Heartstopper emerged from her room with a pronouncement.

“I quit!”

Neither has smoked since, although Skinny Bitch took up smoking at the age of 32, when she was imprisoned in a halo for five months with nothing else to do.

March 14th, 2008 | 18 Comments »

Do you wear red on Fridays? I have, without fail, since the Support Our Troops campaign started. My red shirt has a yellow ribbon embroidered on it. That does not mean I support the war. It means I support the troops. I gave birth to one, I married one, and am a sister to two.

A blogging buddy, Lotus, has been forced to move because of mold in her present home. It has caught her unprepared for moving expenses, and there is a campaign on the interweb to help her out. Behold her glorious rack! And click!

Lotus-HoFoSho-Rack-Banner-1-1

Lastly, I have my own little button thingie for fans of Skinny Bitch. I plan to drag her arse to a computer when I visit and show her the love. When you click on it, it displays the posts that are categorized “Skinny Bitch”.

SkinnyBitchpromo

You can scoop the code from my sidebar, and show your love for Skinny Bitch on your very own sidebar.

I have to go now, and fall into my carb coma from eating a bagel. (Again)

If you cannot financially help Lotus, consider putting the banner up, or writing about the campaign on your own blog. That’s what I did, because I am beyond tapped. I’m IN THE FREAKING HOLE. That means I have to get out of the hole to be broke.

Or, just give this a stumble to give it more exposure.

Love, witchypoo.

March 12th, 2008 | 19 Comments »

There is about five minutes to slap up a post, so those who are unhappy may line up at the checkout for a full refund.

For those who are unfamiliar with my friend Skinny Bitch you will want to read this story about her, and even follow a link that introduces her around the middle of November, back when I had 300 page views for the entire freaking month.

I love the woman. She’s a comedic genius. She spent five months in a halo device for head injuries. Do a Google image search if you want to know how miserable this device is.

The thing is, she’s a tad perverse around her children. Note that I did not say perverted. She isn’t. At least not around children. Even when she tells stories that scream “Bad mother! Mean mother!” I am wiping my eyes from laughing. She has great delivery. Maybe it’s because I’m a little bit perverse as well. But I’m accomodating. I just saved you the trouble of looking up the word.

Besides being somewhat OCD, which I adore about her, she is also frugal to the point of being cheap. A few years ago, her even-more-gorgeous-than-her-if that-is-possible daughter, Heartstopper, asked her if she would buy some bandaids.

Skinny Bitch: “I bought you the nice Barbie bandaids and you used them all up in one day.”

Heartstopper: “Mom, I was SIX. Ten years ago. I learned my lesson. Plain bandaids are fine.”

Skinny Bitch thinks for a while, because, you know, she’s like that, and she recalls that she wants to show Heartstopper that she now has an A level life since she dumped the dirtbag she was seeing. (Dirtbag was every mother’s nightmare)

What does Skinny Bitch do? She goes out and buys several packages of Barbie bandaids to demonstrate that she isn’t cheap at all, no way, even if she did find them at the dollar store.

Heartstopper: “Moooom! Plain bandaids. Plain. I am so over that Barbie shytte.”

Skinny Bitch (at me, rolling eyes): “See? There’s no pleasing them.”

Posted in Skinny Bitch