October 22nd, 2008 | 12 Comments »

My long time buddy, Torch, jumped to my rescue when I mentioned that I couldn’t pull a story out of my arse. She and the Big V were my partners in crime long ago, and we had us some times. I think Torch remembers more of them because she was more sober than the rest of us. Torch usually drove.

Torch’s decrepit Ford Cortina was particularly memorable . The rust was so bad, it was all that held it together. When we reached a certain speed, the fenders would lift. We thought we were flying in that Cortina. The splendour was not confined to the rust-riddled body, oh, no, it was not. Inside were many fast food meal remnants, and all manner of refuse. On the floor in the back grew a single marijuana plant. Makes sense, with all the smoking and the readily available compost. Torch always hollered at us so we wouldn’t trample her little pet plant. We honoured Torch’s wishes. She had a fearsome temper.

This is the vehicle that brought us on countless road trips. Often, we would tear about an hour up the highway to a nice park, and pack a lunch. How they ever put up with my insufferable bossiness is beyond me, but Torch assures me that I insisted we only bring biodegradable items with us. (Maybe I had seen her car?) So, boiled eggs it was.

We got all glammed up, because really, a girl can’t look too pretty when she’s hiking the trails of a park with a waterfall in it. I think I was in a big hat-wearing phase at the time, so over the top was my every day look. There was much hilarity and picture taking. And more hilarity. Sponsored by our friend, Mary Jane. What a bunch of nature nuts.

We were very subtle with our Southern Comfort on the way there, and in the park. We had dixie cups. Southern Comfort was good because we didn’t have to bother ourselves with that pesky mixer. We drank it straight. Bad arse nature nuts. What? It went well with the boiled eggs. Which, as you may recall, were biodegradable.

Big V and Torch with their Southern Comfort.

The don’t drink and drive thing? Because you might hit a bump and spill it? The Big V was driving back, and had her dixie cup in her hand when she turned the wheel. She dumped the contents in her lap. And was very whiney because she wasted good Southern Comfort.

Yes, we were eejits. It was a million years ago. Before all the edjamacational tv ads that spell out why drinking and driving is a bad thing. Bad arse stoopid nature nuts.

Good thing the windows worked in that Ford Cortina. What with Southern Comfort and boiled eggs, I think ventilation was in order. Even for nature nuts.

March 4th, 2008 | 17 Comments »

I have several, and most of them involved alcohol. Oh, the good ole days.

When I was much younger, one of the fun things to do with my buddy, Torch, and our other sidekick, the Big V, was to select a different place to terrorize, and head out on a road trip.

On one of these epic journeys, the Big V and I both had the urge to pee at the same time. We were far from any exits or rest areas, and we had some urgency in our situation.

Torch pulled over to the shoulder, and pointed to some woods about 200 yards from the road. We ran, not walked, and even went into the woods a ways so as not to be detected.

There was much sighing of relief and high fiving with unwashed hands. A truimphant return to the car.

Torch was convulsed with laughter.

Torch: “I suppose you thought since you were in the woods that nobody could see you?”

witchypee: “Well, yeah.”

Torch: (howling) “Look. At. The. Treeline. Didn’t you see the cars slowing down to get a look?”

witchypee: “Some very bad words”

We felt hidden in the woods, but the lower branches of the trees were far above our heads.

Public display of communal peeing. Gotta love road trips.

Now, it’s your turn. Tell us your most embarrassing moments. You can always post anonymously if you must. I’m smelling a possible comment of the week here.