March 24th, 2009 | 17 Comments »

I know you’re thinking the usual way, and you would be partly right.

As soon as the wedding cleanup was done with, my first husband and I immediately began to receive pressure from his parents to make them grandparents.

We had other concerns, like travel, non-stop sex, and naked housework. You know, things that would make the marriage kind of fun. You’re welcome.

About two years after the ceremony, we were discussing the issue in bed, where all friendly talks are held, IMHO.

We decided that we would discontinue the birth control and see what happened.

The husband removed the birth control dispenser from the nightstand and flung it out the window. All without even getting out of bed. Awesome.

The next day I bought feminine supplies in bulk because they were on sale. Guaranteed to bring on a pregnancy.

They didn’t get used for about 40 weeks.

Later that very same week, I felt something different while performing the marital duties. Something more than the usual “the earth moved”. I just knew that we had conceived Dances With Shrapnel at that very moment. Wasn’t expecting it quite so soon.

I had a repeat of the same feeling when I conceived Ass Burger Boy. Right after going off the birth control. Also? Right after buying feminine supplies in bulk because they were on sale.

Fuh-reaky.

For those who are having difficulty conceiving, I’m sorry. For those who puke your guts out, I only barfed once in each pregnancy. I’m a freak of nature.

December 18th, 2007 | 14 Comments »

If you’re not up on Skinny Bitch, you need to go for an introduction and for a follow-up

She’s totally worth it.

SB is not somebody you want as an enemy. She remembers wrong doings for a long, long time. Even unintentional ones. Her poor husband. He suffered through her pregnancy. Why? Because SB suffered through her pregnancy. This woman is tiny, not just skinny. There is not much room for a baby in her tiny body. She found it very hard to breathe at night, and could only breathe a little when she slept sitting up.

All the while that SB is throwing menacing thoughts of “You did this to me!” to Mr. SB, she is begrudging him his easy slumber and breathing. Sometimes she would wake him up and accuse him of taking two breaths. Two! The nerve!

When she told me about this, she acknowledged that she had a few scores to settle with Mr. SB, but she couldn’t really enjoy the torture she put him through because she was so miserable herself.

This is when the diabolical scheme was hatched. She decided that when she went through menopause, she would most likely be too miserable to enjoy Mr. SB’s torture. Yes, it appears that my very presence will trigger hateful schemes against your loved ones. I guess everybody has a talent. Who knew?

Her plan is to fake her menopause before she actually goes through menopause. That way, he will suffer twice, and she will be able to enjoy his suffering at least once.

I’m so grateful I haven’t gotten on her bad side. She’s scary that way.

For all those who are feeling sorry for Mr. SB, he is a gorgeous, hard-working man who is so besotted by their daughter that he believes every word that comes out of her teenage mouth. He overruled SB on matters of the daughter’s Dirtbag Boyfriend. For that, fake menopause is getting off easy.