May 27th, 2008 | 19 Comments »

On the phone with Skinny Bitch, finding out what is new in her life.

SB: That’s odd.

WP: What is odd, Skinny Bitch?

SB: Someone has been touching the drapes. Why would they want to do that?

WP: (trying not to explode in giggles) Umm…maybe they wanted to look out the window?

SB: No, you don’t have to move the drapes for that.

WP: Do you suppose they’re messing with your OCD to get even for your perverse parenting?

SB: (gasps) They. Wouldn’t. Dare.

She may be right.

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Posted in Skinny Bitch
March 12th, 2008 | 19 Comments »

There is about five minutes to slap up a post, so those who are unhappy may line up at the checkout for a full refund.

For those who are unfamiliar with my friend Skinny Bitch you will want to read this story about her, and even follow a link that introduces her around the middle of November, back when I had 300 page views for the entire freaking month.

I love the woman. She’s a comedic genius. She spent five months in a halo device for head injuries. Do a Google image search if you want to know how miserable this device is.

The thing is, she’s a tad perverse around her children. Note that I did not say perverted. She isn’t. At least not around children. Even when she tells stories that scream “Bad mother! Mean mother!” I am wiping my eyes from laughing. She has great delivery. Maybe it’s because I’m a little bit perverse as well. But I’m accomodating. I just saved you the trouble of looking up the word.

Besides being somewhat OCD, which I adore about her, she is also frugal to the point of being cheap. A few years ago, her even-more-gorgeous-than-her-if that-is-possible daughter, Heartstopper, asked her if she would buy some bandaids.

Skinny Bitch: “I bought you the nice Barbie bandaids and you used them all up in one day.”

Heartstopper: “Mom, I was SIX. Ten years ago. I learned my lesson. Plain bandaids are fine.”

Skinny Bitch thinks for a while, because, you know, she’s like that, and she recalls that she wants to show Heartstopper that she now has an A level life since she dumped the dirtbag she was seeing. (Dirtbag was every mother’s nightmare)

What does Skinny Bitch do? She goes out and buys several packages of Barbie bandaids to demonstrate that she isn’t cheap at all, no way, even if she did find them at the dollar store.

Heartstopper: “Moooom! Plain bandaids. Plain. I am so over that Barbie shytte.”

Skinny Bitch (at me, rolling eyes): “See? There’s no pleasing them.”

Posted in Skinny Bitch
November 12th, 2007 | 5 Comments »

I talked to Skinny Bitch on the phone today.
I wanted to tell her I was going to blog about her.
She was all Say whatever you want.
She is the best possible friend to have.
I think I will list some reasons why:

1. She offered to raise my kid if I croak early.
2. She always insists I stay with her and not some
stank hotel when I am in her city.
3. SB is the funniest woman ever. Cracks me up.
4. She is both OCD and neurotic. An endless source of
Skinny Bitch stories.
5. She’s loaded, but she loves to clean.
6. She is drop dead gorgeous. So much fun to watch mens
get totally stoopid around her.
7. She’s even funnier when she is in a bitchy mood.
People fear her. I just collapse into a puddle of
helpless laughter.
8. She uses the jumbo margarita glasses to serve wine.
That way, her guests are puzzled why they got hammered.
“But I only had three glasses of wine” Three of those
glasses=one bottle of wine.
9. Skinny Bitch is afraid of Cheezies. Yet she loves to eat them.
She can always find somebody who is willing to feed her cheezies.
It’s so much fun that I would hate to suggest using toothpicks.
People will do anything for her.
10. She does not cook. Her husband does. She is afraid to touch
meat or potatoes.
11. She’s sharp as a tack, but her comedic genius is in her
delivery. A lot of people don’t get her, because they are
so hung up on her looks, and just can’t get past that.
12. I get my twisted kicks by ever so slightly moving something
say, on her coffee table. Then I watch her twitch until she
can’t stand it, and she has to LINE IT UP PERFECTLY, like it
was before I messed with her head. She knows I have done this,
so she tries to be sneaky about re-aligning the object.

Posted in Skinny Bitch