December 18th, 2008 | 17 Comments »

Sometimes, it’s tough to dredge up a post involving search terms for me, because a lot of them are similar. So when I see one that is mildly intriguing, why I just paste it into my editor and save it until I get a few I can reply to. Here is the current crop. Do you notice a theme?

i fart a lot never poop A fart is your body’s signal that a poop is imminent. Ignore it at your peril, and periodically produce painful, rock-like waste matter.

punishment for farting See above. That? Is punishment.

funny poopy It must be the 10 year old boy in all of us, but yes.

does colonic irrigation stop me farting No, it doesn’t. But it does make your magnificent farts visible

“hair in rollers” Just don’t sleep in them. Painful.

cleaning the house naked Yes. But no cooking with hot oil or bacon. Ouch.

“sex with shoes” How would you obtain the consent of said shoes? And what kind of a fit would that be anyway? (Tab A, Slot B, I don’t think so)

skinny bitch real? One hundred percent real. I read the stories to her and she congratulated me on my excellent memory. Only thing changed is the name.

i know i can be a bitch Don’t worry. Even bitches have friends. Usually people who enjoy being pushed around and yelled at for no reason.

Posted in search terms
November 28th, 2008 | 18 Comments »

A friend of mine, the woman who helped me see my farts, has recently gotten into numerology. She offered to do my numbers for me, and I am sharing the result with you, because, really, isn’t it always about me? I think it was pretty accurate.

Life path # 7 (what you need to fulfill to be happy)

-spiritual energy –need to have faith in your life-need strong spiritual base-have natural psychic ability-meditation helps you use the ability wisely-can have a lethal tongue & mental steel door(if you don’t want someone in your life you’ll shut the door & that’s the end)-love of natural beauty, especially water, helps get you out of your head since you think too much-good at technical work-work is your passion-can excel at astrology & tarot card reading-also like to have an air if secrecy-need your own space.

Soul # 9(what you feel inside, not necessarily what others see)

-fulfilled by resolved old family issues that have caused pain

-by living in the moment

-by making a good living that involves contributing to humanity.

This is a bit of a challenge to your life path so may take some extra work.

Personality # 1 (the face you show the world)

-independent, self-motivated, must take the lead.

-do well being self-employed, do not enjoy taking orders.

-well meaning advice can be valuable, be open to suggestions.

Power name # 1 (the strength of your name-lets us know who you are)

-strong desire to be the best, strive for excellence.

-find healthy ways to relieve stress- a sport, work out etc…,

Destiny # 8 (characteristics that will show themselves in your lifetime)

-before you leave the planet, your destiny is to attain financial security.

-learn to understand the illusory nature of money

-you are here to learn the universe will meet your needs

-key is to keep sense of humor & stay focused on your goals, and then you will get what you really want out of life.

This is a challenge to your life path #, so it will take a little longer to express itself. If you wish, you can change or alter the spelling of the name you go by so that your current power name is the same as the destiny #.

Attitude # 2 (first impression)

-easygoing, the observer, intrigued with anything regarding psychic ability

-in touch with intuition & the metaphysical

Repeating # 1 – strive to be the best at everything you do, must overcome the little voice in your head that repeats ‘not good enough’…You are!!

February 11th, 2008 | 21 Comments »

The number one search term to date is “meat juice” . I’m not sure I want to know just what was in people’s minds when they searched for it, but I published a post that may have coined the term, and it did create a bit of buzz.

blogging mediocrity – Let’s not be cruel, people.

place your face on a movie star – Somehow, I don’t think the movie star would appreciate it.

Is meat juice blood? – Why, yes, yes it is.

“torture Bra” – This might be number two in the list of search terms. I think whoever did the searching might have been looking for a specific creepy device, but really, all bras are by nature, instruments of torture.

pictures that make your eyes bleed – Use your own imagination here.

fart breathing device – I’m not sure if this is intended to find a way to breathe when farts are around, or a device that lets you breathe actual farts. Wouldn’t that be a big seller?

what can i eat to make me fart? – I don’t know why you would want to know this, unless you are planning to produce fodder for the fart breathing device, but may I suggest beans?

are men only supposed to fart – I think this was prompted by Old Knudsen’s comment. They wanted to verify his information.

girls dont fart – I think we have settled that one.

see girls farting – Someone believes not only that girls do fart, but that there may be photographic evidence. The only visible farts are the ones you light. Are we sensing a trend here?

toilets “air assist” – Maybe if you need help farting? I’m good thanks. Nothing to see here folks, just move along.

badarse – This could happen after fart lighting gone terribly, terrribly wrong.

can you throw-up your poop? – If you eat it, I would think it would be mandatory.

wicked image – Of course, that is the kind of image you would expect from a Tool of Satan. In these parts, however, wicked can mean “very” as in, “This lobster is wicked good”. Lobster is another food that makes you fart.

how to make a girl horny with touch – I’m not sure how this got to me. I can only imagine the sad little man who so desperately wants to get laid.

how to get a boy horny give me advice – You’ll have to submit this question to “Ask witchypoo”.

whales as healers – Yes, but their office might be a bit quirky. And I would love to see their lab coats and stethoscopes.

what to do if your eye bleeds? – I would suggest getting yourself to the nearest whale healer as quickly as possible. They have big eyes, and would be sympathetic.

you know you’re old when – Sadly, I get a lot of these.

going on strike from your husband – I did that a long, long time ago. Although they call it divorce. It can be refreshingly freeing if you keep on walking sometimes.

rum for babies to go to sleep – This practice is frowned upon nowadays. I don’t know why, unless it’s the rampant use of Benedryl.

world of warcraft isnt a game – Yes, yes, it is. You, on the other hand, consider it a job because YOU HAVE NO LIFE.

Blogging mediocrity right here, folks! Get it while it’s hot.

Those of you who do have a life, may want to pop over to my amazing crystal shop and art gallery which is just full of my preciousssss.

February 10th, 2008 | 14 Comments »

This award was created by Loralee to spotlight excellent comments. I think it is a lovely idea, and I plan to make this a weekly feature.

The first Peep of the Week award goes to the witty, talented, and fragrant Old Knudsen.

Loralee's Brainchild

I did a post on colon hydrotherapy titled You Can See Your Farts

Knudsey, of course, responded to the post with this:

Ok I’m here, what a disgusting post, weemen aren’t supposed to fart next you’ll know they’ll be doing the dutch oven on their men. And you had the nerve to mention the picture on my post. The arse is for unloading only, and don’t bring up the gurlyboy I married in the 80’s cos that was love combined with alcohol and a long boring sea voyage. Imagine not being able to make a woman whose job it was to stick tubes up bums laugh, everytime a tube goes in she kicks herself for not doing better at school , well thats what I think about when I have to turn tricks for beer money but we won’t get into that.
I’m going to stumble this cos I want the world to share my disgust now I’m off to empty my commode its over flowing due to having type this long comment. I’m also going to sent this post to the Diocese of Leeds to teach them a lesson. And Jenny corn is the best recyclable about have you ever tried to see how many times you can eat it before the body breaks it doon? I’ll not spoil yer enjoyment of that experiment with my own results.

It doesn’t get much better than this, unless of course, you become mesmerized by the gorgeous crystals in my shop.

Then? You should buy one.

Posted in Awards, bloggy things
January 27th, 2008 | 29 Comments »

I was reading this post (freaking hilarious!) about colon hydrotherapy, which brought back memories of my own sessions. I was preparing for a group initiation into the energies of the Archangel Michael, and I wanted my body to be the clearest vessel possible.

What basically happens in this series of procedures is that the therapist slides a well lubed tube thingie into your backside. It has a device to connect two tubes on the outside, one for water going in to flush the system, the other for expelled matter.

Here’s the thing. I firmly believe that your backside is designed for egress, not ingress. In other words, nothing should be going in. I knew that these procedures would give me health benefits, but had a hard time getting past the method. So I paid in advance for the first four appointments. If I hadn’t paid up front for work down back, I probably wouldn’t have showed. I noticed results after that, so I showed up regularly.

The therapist was very shy, and spiritual. I expected she had heard all the jokes about what a crappy job she had, but I was determined to brighten her life with new ones. Because really? That’s just the kind of lovely person I am, making a shy woman squirm while I tell poop and fart jokes. No, you can’t reward me. I took down the donate button. Well, you could vote for me, or subscribe to my feed. I’m reliving awkward moments here, people. I can’t hear your applause, but I can see the numbers.

I used deep breathing techniques to allow the water maximum room to flush, and to alleviate the cramping that results from toxins being stirred up prior to expulsion. The toxins made me feel nauseous, but not throw up nausea, it was more in my bowel. I felt it a little with each flush. What I find funny is that my Grammie always called the indoor toilet the flush. Because she vividly remembers the other kind that did not flush.

What fascinated me most besides the bits of corn, turds, and recognizable food sloshing by in the egress tube, were the enormous air bubbles coming out the tube into the sealed container (so it wouldn’t offend your olfactory sensibilities). These things reminded me of the bubbles you get by dipping a broom handle with an attached loop into a bucket of detergent. They were That.Large. I had visions of little kids dancing in meadows, making bubbles of my farts.

I wanted to know how she could possibly deprive my family of such treasures. After all, Dances with Shrapnel had christened me Methane Mom. I had a lot to live up to. She made a choking sound, which passed for laughter masked by embarrassment. There was no getting this woman to laugh.

She was, however, very interested in the Archangel Michael group activation I was holding, and attended. She also came regularly to my group meditations/pot luck gatherings.

I often wondered if she could see those enormous fart bubbles in her mind’s eye when I was leading a meditation.

I never got a real belly laugh out of her. Doesn’t she know that poop is funny?