August 30th, 2008 | 21 Comments »

Written late last night:

I never had the urge to blog when I had a drink in me, but Warrrior Woman’s contest changed my mind. (A bit)

See, I just spent the last three hours on the phone (while drinking wine!) with my beloved shaman friend in Texas, Lucy in da Sky. I have a kick arse long distance plan where calls cost me 25ยข, no matter how long we talk.

When I first encountered her online, my phone bills to Texas would be easily $600 per month. Really. And I had dialup internet. Yes, it was more than ten years ago. I just had to talk to her every day. It was more important than food. I had found a kindred spirit.

The two of us have the dirtiest laughs evah. Except for my mom. She had an even dirtier laugh than us. But Mom’s dead now, so we dirty laugh supreme. And laugh? Oh Mah Holy Hell do we laugh.

We analyze the motives behind all the political goings on. We have it all figured out. We have determined that nobody in government has our best interests at heart. Radical concept, but we believe it thoroughly.

We hear clicks on the line and coo to the Homeland Security folks. Tell them that they might want to load up on coffee; this is going to be a long and boring conversation. (for them)

We have determined that Gustav is a maverick, and we fear his wrath. We think it will be worse than Katrina. There are a lot of things to talk about in three hours.

She fears for her future in the Ewe Ess of Ay. People in Texas fear anybody who is different. She. Is different. They can smell her difference.

I love her so much that I told her that I would marry her. It’s legal in Canada. I told her not to worry about that pesky sex thing. I’m not a canoe licker anyway, but we would have a spiritual marriage. The finest possible kind. If I got horny I could keep outside pets.

So how is that for blunk drogging? I proposed marriage to a woman (a woman!) that I love with all my heart, but have never even seen a picture of.

But? I have seen her heart.

And?

It is glorious.

Warrior Woman? If that doesn’t win your contest, you can place that pentagram where the sun don’t shine.

Posted in contests