June 17th, 2008

I was over at Christy’s site, and apparently, she was brought up on the lunatic fringe extreme southern type of religion. The kind where the pastor smacks smites you on the forehead and declares “You are healed!”

They fall into the category of the “Just wannas”. I just wanna tell you, Lord, blah, blah blah. I just wanna praise you, Lord, etc.

I was really, really sick one time, and a friend asked me to come to her church where a visiting healer was conducting his miracles. I figured what could it hurt, right? Right? Wrong.

I was fairly feeble, and extremely febrile, and it was summer. I made the mistake of struggling into what I thought would be acceptable church going clothes, a silk blouse with a modest skirt. It was too hot to wear a bra. Shaddap. In hindsight, I see my mistake. I was sick, okay?

Those who had requested a healing were to stand in a certain area. An area which I didn’t realize until later, was the prime focus of the video cameras.

I suffered through far too many Just wannas as I wobbled on my poor shaky legs. The fever had perspiration streaming off me, copiously.

Did you know that even dark coloured silk is kind of see through when wet? It had not occured to me. Strange. Fever. Blame it on the fever. Which made me perspire. Copiously.

By the time the anointed Just Wanna got to me, I was only standing with the assistance of my friend, who was feeling rather guilty for subjecting me to this in my condition.

Just Wanna mumbled a few words in tongues, and gave me an awful wallop on the forehead, recommended highly for those who are suffering an out of control sinus infection.

Was I grateful? I showed him my gratitude when he stuck a freaking microphone in my face. He asked me how I felt now, and smiled to his adoring congregation. I told him if he didn’t get that microphone out of my face right now, he would receive a similar smiting. There may have been snarling.

What? Pain doesn’t make you cranky?

My friend assisted me out of there immediately. We both feared I would be even more unpleasant.

Then I proceeded to sob from the pain and humiliation of being televised and smited while wearing a soaking wet silk shirt.

She took me to emergency, where I had to be admitted.

I totally get why people are skeptical of healers. Myself? I prefer to work entirely with energy and no smiting.

I just wanna share that with you.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 1:15 pm and is filed under stories from the olden days. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

23 Responses to “Smite Me”

teeni Says:

Yikes! That is definitely not the time you want your 15 minutes of fame – that’s for sure. And I’m glad you don’t do the smiting thing. I would imagine a smite (smote?) from you would be quite powerful and knock people off their feet. :shock: I think your way is much kinder. :)

teenis last blog post..Back to the Beginning Meme

moo Says:

Is she still your friend? I’m not sure we could ever be on good terms after that humilitating spectacle.

I am reminded of the movie Borat where it was painful and yet hilarious to watch him subtley mock “those” types of religions. I’m more of a earth-woman, heal thyself kind of a person, so all of it makes me squicky. (religion+doctors+chemicals)

moos last blog post..Argh! FUCK. (and photo challenge, mystery & chaos)

TX Poppet Says:

And the male congregates awoke with much oogling and gaping with awe as they beheld the sight of Witchypoos ta-tas and the just and righteous hands of their good wives did smite them in the pews. Praise be.

TX Poppets last blog post..Moving Day

Memarie Lane Says:

Sounds like the church I grew up in. Very scary way to grow up.

When I watched Borat, I actually got very emotional when he went to the crazy church, seeing all the people gathering around and smiting him and such. I went through that, and it’s scary, especially to a kid. And I went through that just about every freakin Sunday. When I had pneumonia my mom tried to get me to go to a “Healing Room” with her and all the blood drained from my body at the very thought. I’ve tried explaining to her how that church damaged me, but after all these years she still just doesn’t get it!

Memarie Lanes last blog post..myfacekirtsylicioustumblespacebooktwitteruponmake it stop!

Christy Says:

That is too funny! (Sorry you were so sick though!)

I wasn’t quite brought up like that, but that was all around me–I consider those guys my peeps, that my heritage. (Only the ones that escaped, like me….the others would burst into flame upon contact with me.)

I see why there is no video now…….LOL

Christys last blog post.."I chose not to choose life"

Mylifeasmomma Says:

Okay that sounds like my worst nightmare. I mean basically you were in front of a ton of epopel practically naked!

That is awful.

warriorwoman Says:


warriorwomans last blog post..the other side of my mother

ABB Says:

I just want to tell you that his microphone would be a Suppository if he smacked me and refused to get it out of my face. Can’t stand people like that.

Randy Says:

I used to totally love watching Ernest Angely (sp?), an evangelist who had a bad toupe and a lisp and healed people by smacking them in the manner you described. Benny Hinn is another one who does the same thing. your story was funny and titilating.

MommasTantrum Says:

I don’t know how you survived that without killing the dude that smacked you. As a chronic sinus sufferer (sp?) I know that pain and also the delierum that the fevers cause. If you had killed him, no judge or jury of your peers would have convicted you.

MommasTantrums last blog post..I Could Have Been Getting Licked

Ree Says:

Damn. I never saw that one. I used to watch good old Ernest Aingley on Sunday mornings for comic relief.

Rees last blog post..Weren’t the Tonys last night?

nan Says:

I just wanna tellya, Oh Lord, that made me giggle. And Lo, now I can stop feeling sorry for myself and go to sleep, yea, and possibly not wake up with the flu tomorrow, Oh Lord. Cause I just wanna tellya, Jesus, laughter is the best medicine. AMEN!

nans last blog post..Miss Blog Frog 2008 Contest: This Week!

Krissa Says:

Oh dear. I always feel so guilty reading something like this because while I am feeling so bad for you and all, I am also laughing really hard. Sad, sad, er, funny, funny situation.

Krissas last blog post..Sucky caregiver provider

Veronica Says:

He walloped you? On the forehead? I always thought that bit was just for show and not done hard!

Veronicas last blog post..Pregnancy Tests

Jenny Says:

I’m so sorry that I laughed so hard while reading this.

Yet I refrained from copying warriorwitch’s comment.

Jennys last blog post..And Then You Realize That 13 Year Fantasy Really…Um… Sucks

Coast Rat Says:

Healer, heal thy self! Or isn’t that allowed in Nova Scotia? Must be another good Shaman there someplace…


Jacki Says:

Those kinds of people really scare me!

Jackis last blog post..Waste not, want not

Marie in Maine Says:

Didja ever see Benny Hinn, the TV minister? He blows on people. They fall backward into the arms of two strong men.

I always wondered if he ate stinky cheese or garlic before his shows.

The Over-Thinker Says:

I just get the heebie-jeebies thinking of this kind of faith. Kind of makes me happy that I grew up Lutheran and with a mind able to make room for more.

The Over-Thinkers last blog post..And the popular choice is: PROSTITUTE (I’m starting to wonder about my readers…)

Old Knudsen Says:

skeptical of healers? to me that includes doctors, I want to believe and am happy when I find the real thing.

Old Knudsens last blog post..Judge Almost Kills Her Own Grandchild

Goddess in the Groove Says:

LOL…I am sorry, I hate to laugh at your suffering! That is just awful, awful, awful!!!

No one ever invites ME to a healing. My daughter thinks they are afraid :) .

Goddess in the Grooves last blog post..Halfway through 2008…the tomato spoke.

Cool Things Says:

[...] over at Psychicgeek gave me a Peep of the Week award for my comment on her post about her unfortunate incident with the holy roller faith healer.  Vindication for my smart mouthed twelve year old self has arrived.Praise [...]

HRH Says:

TX Poppet sent me over to revel in her peep of the week. Very funny. Both of you.

I prefer my illnesses without smiting as well.

HRHs last blog post..The one (and only) time Holly was a fierce camper…