January 18th, 2010

When I was younger, much younger, I secretly called him The Giant. He was larger than life, and sometimes he was so large he eclipsed the sun. He cast a shadow through which I saw my life.

Standing in the shadow was fearful, and I avoided his gaze, his disapproval, his genius at finding chores for me to do upon taking notice of me. When I sought his attention, it was in order to shock him.

The way that he tried to relate to his children was to teach them. I resisted. I think I’m the only one of the many who has a tin ear, so I just wasn’t interested in learning guitar. Or really, in spending time with my father. He ruled by fear, and I seethed in resentment.

When he first got sick, I tried to make a connection, for my own sake. I wanted to try. I was rebuffed. And totally got blamed for upsetting him while he was in hospital. I never did get to talk to him then.

Each year, The Giant was diminished, no longer a threatening physical presence, yet the disapproval was pervasive. I just didn’t know what to say to him. We weren’t even close to being on the same wavelength, and I didn’t know how to bridge that gap. I would have liked to do it for me, at least.

Yesterday, after eight years of illness, he breathed his last.

Nobody really believed that The Giant would die.

The waves of sadness and emotion overwhelmed me, but mostly surprised me.

That’s where I am right now.

Processing. Owning my part in it.

This shit isn’t for sissies, is it?

This entry was posted on Monday, January 18th, 2010 at 10:46 am and is filed under The Dead Dad Club. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

20 Responses to “It’s Complicated”

Priscilla Says:

I just will never understand parents like this. Never. I cannot feel anything but pure love for my boys. Even the one that seeks to hurt me.

My heart goes out to you, my thoughts and prayers are with you during this most sad time.

**hugs**

Shawn Phillips Says:

Sending you love and comfort as you work through grief and pain.

Blessed be.
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Nan Says:

Oh, Witchypoo, I’m so sorry. (((HUGS)))
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warriorwitch Says:

I have nothing to say. I’m just here.

iamthediva Says:

hugs to you today

Krissa Says:

And you’re no sissy, darling. I love you and am thinking about you.
*smooches*
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Mary Says:

You are right (once again)…this shit aint for sissies. You are in my thoughts. All good wishes my sister.

Dawn Says:

no. definitely not for sissies.

and it’s fucking heavy to carry around the thoughts that will keep you awake at 2 and 3 am.
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Chibi Jeebs Says:

It really is complicated, isn’t it? *sigh* I wish you ease in processing, dear heart. <3
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David Says:

My deepest condolences. Please go easy on yourself.
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Angella Says:

Aw, sorry, babe. xoxo
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lceel Says:

You are no sissy. Not by a long shot.

Still. HUGS.
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Eric Says:

My condolences. Sending you love and positive energy.
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Anne Marie Says:

I am so sorry for your loss. No matter how old we are the child within is still there. I lost my Mother this past fall not unexpected but still unexpected and oddly enough now I feel “orphaned”. A difficult time in one’s life for sure.

Brian H. Says:

Your post and situation is inspiring. It inspires me to be a better father and that I better be one immediately. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through right now.
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teeni Says:

First, my deepest sympathies to you. So sad that you couldn’t have had a better relationship.

But second, a relationship requires TWO people and HE was the adult so you cannot carry the burden of it not being better. Kudos to you for trying though. I’m grateful that he graced this planet no matter what because he helped make one of my favorite bloggers. Hugs to you!
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Goddess in the Groove Says:

Witchpoo, you are in my thoughts. xoxo
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Ree Says:

I know I already told you, but {{hugs}}
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cadillac air conditioning compressor Says:

hey i am so sorry about your loss and that situation but one think i want to say that you are really face a tought situation and really its very heard to handle that kind of situation.and also i am agree with you ,You are right (once again)…this shit aint for sissies. You are in my thoughts. All good wishes my sister.

Hyphen Mama Says:

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this.

My mom has expressed the exact same sentiments when her mother and father passed. Regardless of the abuse and/or abandonment during childhood, she really struggled with her emotions when they passed.
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