April 4th, 2008

I have a horror of becoming addicted to pain medications, yet, I also have a horror of actually, you know, being in pain. Six years ago, I had sciatica so excruciatingly painful that it reminded me of a toothache. But further south. And extending down my leg as well.

I was prescribed Demerol because nothing was touching the pain. I took one, passed out, and woke up screaming an hour later. I quickly and astutely surmised, because I’m fabulous that way, if I relied on this drug to manage my pain, I would be in a world of trouble.

Somebody mentioned medical marijuana to me. It really didn’t make a lot of sense, because I thought that a person under the influence would just zero in on the pain, but I was willing to try anything non-addictive.

I got a note from my doctor that stated I was being treated unsuccessfully for unmanageable pain, and the local compassionate society set me up with my first delivery. Some of the names of the herb being offered were The Hammer, The Sleeper, The Munchies, etc. Different strains had different uses. I chose The Hammer. I have to say that after taking it daily for a week, my pain subsided to a degree that I only needed to take it weekly. By the time I enrolled in geek school, I was getting protective of that last surviving brain cell, and went off it altogether.

One of the side effects of this drug is that you see the funny in just about anything. Matters not if you are being rude or making others uncomfortable, oh, no, your mirth, it cannot be contained. Or explained.

I still remember visiting a friend’s cottage, and talking with some younguns around a campfire. One of them was a proud young puppy, just embarking on his career.

He told me he was going to Hamburger College.

And I lost it.

I actually registered the offense he took to my reaction, but I Could.Not.Stop. No, I couldn’t. I tried. Really.

He even explained the prestige of a youngun employed by the Scottish-named fast food place going into the management program called Hamburger College, so that I would grasp the enormity of the situation.

It made me howl louder.

I actually felt bad. I knew he was trying to convince me that this was not ridiculous to him, but rather, a source of pride. I knew he was offended by my mirth.

Each earnest explanation had me laughing harder.

I became rather embarrassed because I couldn’t stop. Tears were rolling down my face, and I was gasping. I left.

It’s been six years since that time, and the sciatica healed up nicely.

Also? I still crack up when anyone says “Hamburger College”.

Note: I was running the bathwater, and crankily picking dark hairs off the soap that Ass Burger Boy swore he wouldn’t use because body wash was more hygenic and less gross, when a knock on the bathroom door forced me to stop the running of the water to hear.

The question: Hamburger College?

The answer: Not a cracking up. More like a Bah, Hamburger.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 4th, 2008 at 10:08 am and is filed under it's all about me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

27 Responses to “Hamburger College”

iamthediva Says:

I once spent an entire evening laughing at a Sears Catalogue. Seriously, those model poses are high-larious!!

lceel Says:

At Corporate headquarters in Oakbrook, IL, it is referred to as “Hamburger U” and it is on the “Campus” – a very high falutin’, toney kind of area set away from the hustle and bustle of the main part of Oakbrook. When everything was built in the Campus area, the developer was expressly forbidden from cutting down trees. Further, there is a stream running through the Campus, dammed on either side of the main road running through the Campus area, creating Lake Ed, on one side of the road, and Lake Fred, on the other.

Just thought you’d like to know.

lceel’s last blog post..Hidden, a 100 Word Challenge

daysgoby Says:

OUch for sciatica – my doctor calls that the ‘devil’s disease’
(because it never really goes away, sez the girl who still has a numb calf 11 years later)

and the first time I read your post title, I thought it said Hamburger COLLAGE. So I was looking for the puzzle.

daysgoby’s last blog post..her hair smelled like new leaves

Memarie Lane Says:

I only had pot one time, I was 20, and one of my co-workers offered me a chocolate chip cookie. I would never turn down such a thing. It had a funny taste. :P

Two problems: I was training a new employee that night, who was only sixteen, and who also had a cookie. Also a wedding I was responsible for was checking in and I had to make sure everything was perfect.

The new employee and I spent the night laughing at everything and looking at our slanty eyes in the mirror, and laughing about that too. I spent the night at the hotel and couldn’t sleep because my legs wouldn’t stop moving. When the wedding checked in they found that their invoices made no sense whatsoever.

Memarie Lane’s last blog post..Memarie Snopes

Jenny Says:

I’ve had bouts of sciatica since I was a kid. I can’t sleep for days. Obviously not as bad as yours, because mine is currently treatable with a good chiropractic adjustment and acupuncture.

Hamburger U… SO FUNNY. And seriously, what exactly is it they teach? Burger Flipping 101? Do you suppose Creating the Perfect Ice Cream Swirl is an upper level class? Do people really need a whole COLLEGE, don’t they start at the cash register and work their way into upper district manager? I love lceels’s informative tidbit. Now I’m going to have to go find info online to finish off my laugh. I wonder if your “friend” graduated from HU.

Jenny’s last blog post..There’s Something to be Said About Not Speaking

TX Poppet Says:

Apropos of nothing, many years ago my snotty brother in law turned down a lucrative VP position with the scottish named company because they wanted him to flip bugers for a week to really get to know the business. Now that the old man b-i-l refused is gone, I doubt the execs have a clue. But you know what? Hamburger college does sound kinda funny!

TX Poppet’s last blog post..Hitchin’ A Ride

Marie in Maine Says:

I used to drive by Hamburger University on my way to work every day when I lived near Chicago.

re: pain drugs: I was prescribed Tylenol with codeine once and it made me pass out and become ill. This was for a pinched nerve in my ribs. The doc told me to cut them in half, which you can’t do with some of the drugs the prescribe now (due to time release action). It was still too much and made me woozy.

Today I have a pain my my breastbone, either I lifted something too much or some weird virus, so I took some Aleve and now I have heartburn to boot. Pain does indeed suck and sciata is very painful thing (had that too).

Hamburger U, Hamberger U, Hamberger U!!!

Marie in Maine’s last blog post..Local Eats

witchypoo Says:

Diva: I could see that happening. And marvelling how when the tv sound is off, the movements match the music you are playing. Who knew?
lCeel: Yes. He explained this very carefully to me. It made me laugh harder.
daysgoby: I’m having trouble imagining what a hamburger collage puzzle would look like. Meat puppets, maybe?
Jenny: From what the kid told me, it was for franchisees to learn the business. I was dissing on his self-importance. He was fixing to own a franchise.

Old Knudsen Says:

Yep its Hamburger University in the Uk, I see you didn’t name the place, don’t want that bad luck huh? I am resistant to most pain medication and pot does nothing for me, I take aspirin for the psychological effect . Hey they don’t call pot ‘dope’ for nothing. laughing at minimum wage earners is highly enjoyable and knowing they have to clean up yer explosive diarrhea and be polite to you, ah bliss.

Old Knudsen’s last blog post..Can You Hear Me Now ?

kailani Says:

I’ve been known to start cracking up at the strangest things. And once I start laughing, I can’t stop no matter how hard I try.

kailani’s last blog post..Giveaway: Beansoup Kids Aprons

witchypoo Says:

Knudsey: Didn’t want them nosing around the site. They do searches.
Kailani: It’s always worse at funerals and in church, isn’t it? I stay away from those events as I clearly do not know how to behave properly.

teeni Says:

All I remember from that stuff is my eyes feeling funny and a strong sense of paranoia. Oh, and the giggles and munchies. But I can’t even stand the smell of it anymore.

teeni’s last blog post..The Entertainment Meme

witchypoo Says:

teeni: Careful what cookies you eat.

talina Says:

I hate picking hairs off the soap! Makes me sick..

talina’s last blog post..Did we conceive? My NFP-FAM charting and ovulation.

witchypoo Says:

Talina: Worse when they’re curly. Makes me wicked cranky.

Loralee Says:

Oh, I have had bouts of very inappropriate and intense laughter and I wasn’t high on ANYTHING.


Loralee’s last blog post..What happens when you have 420 college credits and no degree? You end up working in a call center and dealing with phone calls like this:

Ree Says:

You lost me at the medical marijuana line. Do you smoke it or take it in tablet form?

Ree’s last blog post..Guest Haiku and Other Random Stuff

witchypoo Says:

Ree: I got the smokable, but some compassionate societies in the larger centers provide brownies and other treats with the herb baked into it. Those would mainly be on the west coast. We Easterners are more stoic.

witchypoo Says:

Loralee: Laughter is so much fun, it’s a shame to call it inappropriate.

Angella Says:

I second Loralee.

While I have never tried the wacky tobacky, I hear it can be a whole lot of fun. And for some people? A whole lot of paranoia.

I’ll stick to Diet Coke as my drug of choice :)

Angella’s last blog post..Letting Go

The Over-Thinker Says:


I just sent in my application. Cross your fingers for me. Wonder if I’ll have to take a drug test. Hey, Knudsen! Will you pee in a cup for me?

I, too, get the giggles at VERY bad times. Once, when I was 8, I started laughing in the middle of the Christmas Pageant at church and I had to be “helped off the stage” by our Pastor. Not such a Merry Christmas at Casa de Over-Thinker that year. Nosiree.

The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..This is the part where Angella said, Would you like some free chocolate? and where I was like, well duh.

nan Says:

Well, having grown up in the West Indies, I will let you use your imagination freely to picture the vast quantity of medicinal herb that was once smoked around here. Alas, with small children and Sean’s Responsible Pilot Job (and regular random urine testing on the job!) we have been very anti-ganga since we got married. Eleven years!

Hmmm, that explains a lot, actually!

One day, when we are old and doddering, and nobody cares what we do any more, who knows? You might come to drop a casserole, and find us rolling around on the floor, dentures falling out, howling “In the BATH! The BAAAAATH! Geddit? Whaaahaa!!!! The bath… HOO HOO!!” and when you finally get us to stop laughing, we will have absolutely no idea what we were laughing at. And THAT will be so totally hilarious that you will just have to leave in disgust, shaking your head and saying “how sad…”

nan’s last blog post..back to life, back to reality

Dotti Says:

I am allergic to marijuana. How do I know this you ask? As a resident assistant in college (no, not at Hamburger College) I broke-up a party with another RA where the smoke was pouring out the door. I walked in the room, promptly broke out in hives, started itching, and my eyes started swelling shut. Weird huh. I was no help to anyone that night :)

Dotti’s last blog post..hero

Veronica Says:

Loving it!

Veronica’s last blog post..Six Words

Linda Says:

I have a friend that ‘enlightened’ me while I went through chemo. I loved it. The pot that is. It took the edge off being sick all the time and improved my appetite. I gained 10 lbs during treatment. The doctor said the steroids would do that. But, you know, I sure ate a lot.

Linda’s last blog post..April fools jokes

warriorwoman Says:

I don’t like pain, so I don’t do it. I like pills not so lot either. I don’t take pills, except when there is lots of pain, then pills ok.

we’re a drugged nation didn’t you know?

warriorwoman’s last blog post..what a hunk?.

Freedom’s Just Another Word | Psychicgeek Says:

[...] suit, check this out. And this too. If this last one passes, I may have to take down my post about medical marijuana or I could be prosecuted. [...]