April 16th, 2008

I always make it a point to visit my Grammie on her birthday every August 11th, even though it is a long bus ride away.

Every year, I ask her to hang on long enough til I get there, just so I can see her one more time. She already has her coffin special made. She’s perfectly willing to use it. Look at her, all grinning in her coffin. She’s a pissah!

I always liked to just show up in her dooryard and surprise her, but the last time that happened, I was afeared I would give her a heart attack, so now I give her warning, even though she doesn’t remember stuff too well anymore.My long-suffering younger brother and I decided we didn’t ever want to put this look on her face again. Would you? It scared us.

Hmmmm, seems like there’s a lot of free boobing going on in this family.

I’ve enlisted both my BFF’s from highschool to look in on her and cheer her up, and they are both fabulous about it. In fact, they love her too. Grammie seems to have more honourary grandchildren than she can remember names of. I just tell her to call everyone “Dear”. Everyone likes to be called dear. Except me. I cried the one time she couldn’t remember my name.

Grammie’s all fundamentalist religion, the kind that frowns on the Tool of Satan stuff I do, like palmisty, tarot, and even healing. I attribute that to ignorance. She had a hard life, and has to believe there is something better. It pains me that she fears for my very soul. Because I do not believe the exact same things that she does. Anyone who does not believe the exact same things that Grammie does is in great eternal peril of the soul.

When I was younger, I teased her more than I do now. She would just shake her head and worry about my soul, because I was all bad arse.

One time, a client had given me a souvenir shop voodoo doll that she had picked up in an actual souvenir shop in New Orleans. Not a real one or anything. She told me an amusing story about how she had punked an obnoxious customs officer in an elaborate joke, culminating with the revelation of the voodoo doll. It had me rolling on the floor, and needing to pee.

I told Grammie this story, about how she had enlisted various people to go through customs and inquire if this officer was experiencing ass pain. (I regret that Americans don’t use the much kinder term arse) Quite a lot of them asking got the interest of the officer, and when my client revealed the voodoo doll, it had a pin sticking out of its arse.

Then I ceremoniously presented Grammie with the souvenir voodoo doll and told her it was her birthday present. I’m so very thoughtful that way.

Poor Grammie.

As soon as I left, she burned it in the stove. Yes, that very stove in the background of the gobsmacked Grammie picture.

She never did know what to make of me. But you know what? She loves me anyway. And I’ve stopped messing with her. There are plenty of other folk to mess with. She’s earned a rest from my crap.

The End.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 16th, 2008 at 9:14 am and is filed under Grammie, old photos, rellies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

22 Responses to “Grammie’s Present”

Just Beachy Says:

When you wrote honourary granchildren, I read ornery grandchildren, which I spelled wrong, but, which seems to fit the whole post anyway. hum.

Just Beachy’s last blog post..Danger, Danger

molly Says:

Had to come and have a peek after falling out of my chair at your comment on Daysgoby! I also prefer the much more genteel “arse!” Your Grammie sounds like a sweet lady….

Mylifeasmomma Says:

Your Grammie sounds awesome! I’d love to meet her!

Mylifeasmomma’s last blog post..Planning a vacation when you’re a grown up.

lceel Says:

My old Mum lives with us. Grannie is 82 years old and sits all day doing genealogy on her laptop. That or playing online poker. She doesn’t hear very well, so we got her 900mhz earphones so she can hear the TV – she watches as much Perry Mason as she possibly can. She keeps saying “where do they keep getting these Perry Mason episodes I’ve never seen before?” I love her very much – but it must be fun where she is.

lceel’s last blog post..Not clean yet, more baths

iamthediva Says:

that’s great to see that even though she didn’t agree, she still tolerated you in her own way. now, if only i could get my gramma to do the same.

teeni Says:

Your grammie is adorable! That’s all I got.

teeni’s last blog post..Teeni’s Tips – Exercise Your Cats The Lazy Way

Jenny Says:

Is it Grammie’s birthday? I forgot to send a card.

Jenny’s last blog post..100 Thing About Me–3rd Act

teeni Says:

There’s an award for you at my place! :)

teeni’s last blog post..I’m Chatty and The 4th Occasional Teeni Awards

evilwoobie Says:

Oh, girl, how I envy your tenacity!

I too come from a family of devout people. My younger bro has a calling and he studied priesthood for a while before he felt the urge to study bacteria. He and my lola (grammie) tag team to tell me pointedly that if I didnt stop promoting Satan through occult and scrying they will miss me so much someday when they’re all in heaven while im ’somewhere else’.

I gave away my cards and dismantled the altar. My enterprising sis bought her own deck so that I wont have to keep one, and she secretly pressures me to read for her and her friends when I go visit. T_T Pressure!!!

evilwoobie’s last blog post..Explaining Online Interaction to the Uninitiated

AssBurgerBoy Says:

what scared the crap out of her most was when I took the picture with the flash enabled. And then I got lectured by “Uncle Libra” not to do it again. Oh well, live, learn and hopefully live some more.

Kelley Says:

I loves me some arse. It rolls off the tongue much better than the vulgar ‘ass’.

And your Grammie is all I aspire to be. Any woman that has the guts to BURN a voodoo doll is awesome in my book.

Kelley’s last blog post..Arsehats everywhere.

nan Says:

Well, you sure look like your Mum and your Grammie. You all have a “look”, in the pictures I’ve seen.

nan’s last blog post..good advice, that is

witchypoo Says:

Grammie is my father’s mother, and she will be 96 in August.
I’m crazy about her.

daysgoby Says:

How cozy she looks in her coffin – smiling away!

The Grand Manan joke (you made my comments!) was hilarious!

daysgoby’s last blog post..at least they don’t harass the children

Veronica Says:

She burned it? I shudder to think who it was meant to be.

Grandmothers are the best.

Veronica’s last blog post..No ADSL For Me

witchypoo Says:

Just so you know, it was a toy, not a real voodoo doll. It was made so tourists could bring something back from New Orleans, most likely to prank people with. Grammie didn’t understand that, even after I explained it, and she promptly incinerated this evil thing. She wasn’t taking any chances of letting the devil in her house. Bad enough she let me in.

Jenny Says:

Darn! I kept wondering who had hot flashes all day while the voodoo doll was on fire.

Jenny’s last blog post..100 Thing About Me–3rd Act

witchypoo Says:

Jenny: That would be me. But it had nothing to do with the fake voodoo doll.

Memarie Lane Says:

I use “arse.” It’s much more fun to say and spell, and more appropriate around small children.

Memarie Lane’s last blog post..Celebrating Every Baby

Memarie Lane Says:

Oh yeah, I use “shite” too.

Ree Says:

She looks like a nice Grammie.

Ree’s last blog post..Just Another Day in Hotfessional-land.

zoe Says:

what a cool ASS grammie you have! my grandmother caught me reading the serpent and the rainbow in high school and burnt it. she also tried to force my mom to send me on some freaky religious retreat. she still thinks i am possessed.

zoe’s last blog post..Fat Ass Friday in a Meme