March 27th, 2010

One of my readers requested that I update my blog, and just in case I was out of ideas, she suggested that I explain what I had against cats.

Oh, the cat lovers will so hate on me now.

Have you cat lovers ever noticed that cats are not obedient? Am I the only one who has a problem with that? If I am feeding you and looking after you, couldn’t you at least deign to abide by some basic house rules? Apparently not, if you’re a cat.

One of my basic house rules? You do not jump up on my counters or table if you have litterbox feet. Do I need to elaborate on that? Do we need to discuss the vile smell of cat excrement? It’s so overwhelmingly unsanitary to have litterbox feet walking around on the surfaces where food is prepared. When you’re done grossing me out kitty, why not show me how much you love me by shredding my furniture with your claws? Because, clearly, you do not want me to have nice things. Or how about jumping up to my eye level, lifting your tail up straight, and presenting your lovely cat arsehole three inches from my nose? Does anyone really find this appealing? Because the whole cat arsehole thing? The fun totally eludes me.

When you come home from work, does your cat act all goofy happy to see you ? No? Do you, instead, get yelled at because they’re all “Where’s my food, bitch” ? Because cats will do that. They are used to having servants.

You might think your cat is being affectionate when it rubs itself against you. You might, but you would be deluded so very wrong. What your cat is doing is depositing saliva to mark you as its very own personal servant. Just so the other cats will know that it has dibs on the giver of food.

Look, I know that dogs roll in dead things and will eat turds, but they also will submit to a bath, if you understand dogs at all. They are always wicked happy to see you. They want to please you, and can be trained. And when a dog fucks up? It has the decency to at least look ashamed.

You just ask Bill Clinton about the pluses of having a dog. During all that Monica business, when he came home at the end of the day, the only member of the family who was happy to see him was the dog. Even if your wife and kid think you’re an arsehole, your dog is all “OMG! I missed you SO much! I’m so glad you’re home!”

And for that? I can endure the slurpy sound of a dog licking its own balls.

Cats? Not so much. Besides, I’m allergic.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 27th, 2010 at 8:17 pm and is filed under What's this?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

16 Responses to “Cats and Dogs”

daysgoby Says:

I’m reading a book called ‘Why Dogs are Better Than Cats’ (great photos) and they bring up many of the same things you do….

But I still like my cats. Probably because dog farts? Can KILL you.
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teeni Says:

Only because you made me laugh with this post (and also because no animals were hurt in the process) I can forgive you for not loving cats the way you love dogs. :)
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Mila Says:

lmao, Okay, I concede a lot of cats are that way. I also know dogs that don’t act much better. Especially the little yappy ones. *cringes at the dog lover backlash*

To counter your points though, I do have one very well (though certainly not perfectly) behaved cat to hold up as example of felines not all being horrible.

When I wake up, he waits at my door so he cat greet me with meows and purrs and to be held. I’m not the food giver currently, so he doesn’t bother me for that and when he does bother the foodgiver for it, the other two are already at it. He also hasn’t liked human food since he reached adulthood, so he’s not a pain about that.

When I’m gone for the weekend, he pines for me and sulks mildly. Upon my return you can almost hear him say “MOM! I missed you!”, before he does the teenagerly thing and ignores me for about a half hour.

Many times when he wakes up, he’ll come over to see me and lay on me for a bit and purr. Usually this greeting lasts about 10 minutes, and he’s way warmer than me. He also doesn’t put his butt in my face. I’m very glad of that, his nickname was Farticus as a kitten during some GI issues.

He doesn’t scratch on furniture since I trained him as a kitten with rubber claw tips and firm “no”’s that it was unacceptable. Nowadays if I say “no!” and point at him, he will stop what he is doing and either lay down, or settle in nicely.

As for the litter paws? It’s unavoidable atm, but I’m planning on toilet training him or getting a self cleaning system. He doesn’t get on food working surfaces much either. Sometimes the sink, but I think that’s because he has a love hate relationship with the faucet. He also has impeccable covering habits. Thank goodness.

When he asks for out, it’s the most pathetic and sweet “please??” you would believe an animal capable of. If I weren’t determined to keep him an inside cat for his own safety and long life, he’d get his way very often.

He is also very nice to strangers. I think he trusts everyone because since he’s been here he’s never had a reason not to. And most people like him for his sweet nature. >.> Well, there was a yarn bite through incident once XD But only the once. And he was forgiven.

lol, I know cats are still a no-go for you, but a few of them are less than completely evil.

>.>
<.<

Siamese cats are psychotic though.

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Nan Says:

Cats are better, because cats say so!
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Krissa Says:

I completely agree. While I don’t hate cats, (and really I am an animal person in general), they do pretty much leave me cold.
I am all about the dogs and my little mutt is sick today and we are contemplating taking her to the vet and spending money we don’t have.
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lceel Says:

Which is why I never let a dog lick my face. I’m just sayin’.
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Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

I just piddled in the corner.

I was that glad to see you.

I am so ashamed.

Coast Rat Says:

Hilarious! And everything you say, is true! That’s what they do.
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Columbus Office Space Says:

I generally do not hate cats, I just do not like them, but i adore dogs in fact i have 3 dogs at home, a dobberman, a labrador and a pit bull. I do not train them to be a guard dog, but as pets. and indeed they are man’s best friend.
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Elena Says:

I don’t have a cat nor a dog, but I’d really love something fluffy and friendly at home. i don’t think cats are all that bad and useless. It really depends on the person and their preferences in terms of pets. Some people have both a cat and a dog and are perfectly happy with it!
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calgary caters Says:

What a coincidence I come across this blog post of yours after reading an article about “things that cats do that you think are cute but are really not”. It talked about how cats leave their poo unburied and how that’s a sign of dominance, how they give you gifts of dead birds but they’re actually also signs of dominance and etc. I used to like cats because they were so low maintenance compared to dogs but now that I have a dog of my own, I’ll go for dogs all the way!

Pgoodness Says:

We have 2 cats…they are my husbands. I don’t mind them, but honestly, when our 2 that we’d had for 15 yrs passed on, I thought I was free of cats. A few months later, there we were, trekking through the shelter and walking out with kittens. Sigh. They’re ok, but give me my big squishy dog any day. :)
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quickbooks remote hosting Says:

LOL! Not all cats are bad but I have to agree with everything you said. I know this one cat that was really sweet and goofy though, she was really lovable.

Bad Krozingen Says:

Who is better pets: cats or dogs!
I think dogs are better – they are smarter! Let’s the discussion begin!!!