June 24th, 2009 | 7 Comments »

I’ll be leaving early Thursday morning en route to Skinny Bitch’s city. I’m travelling much lighter than I usually do because of the nerve irritation in my neck. I’m not supposed to lift much.

So I got me a toy computer to record my sound files on, and since it has a wireless card that is speedy, I can upload them to the server. Built in mic and webcam, so less to lug around. It fits in a normal sized purse. It’s kind of the Bic of computers. It was so cheap I wasn’t about to shell out an extra $80 for two more years factory warranty. Bic.

Of course, it takes forever to bookmark sites and type in old passwords to web admin sites. Luckily for me, I had the good sense to write them down in my little six ring binder that also serves as a mobile datebook. The only way the data will be lost on the datebook is if I can no longer decipher my scribbles. Or if there is a flood or fire. Still, flood or fire will so scroo an electronic keeper of information.

Ass Burger Boy is ecstatic and has already transferred all of my data off the clunky big laptop, which he has dubbed ‘his precious’ and promptly taken to work with him. I don’t think he’ll miss me.

Of course, I will be staying with Skinny Bitch. Any time I go to her city, it’s a given I will stay with her. I desperately need to laugh my self silly, tears streaming down my face, maybe even peeing a little. Now that we don’t have torture to plot for the now ex Mr. SB, we will have to find other ways to amuse our bad selves.

I may or may not get kidnapped after the show.

There will only be internet access at the venue, where I’ll probably be busy with work. With any luck at all. I may be tweeting like a dirty little bird, but probably won\t be posting here while I’m gone. I linked this post heavily to give you something to catch up on while I’m away.

June 22nd, 2009 | 12 Comments »

One of the many things that Ass Burger Boy is sensitive to is touch. He cannot handle people touching him unexpectedly. To this day, he will ask for a hug, and I won’t give him one unless he knows it is coming. It’s just the way he is. We hug lots, it just needs a verbal introduction.

When he was a wee infant, I had the most crazy-making task of bathing him. With! Water! Oh, the pain! Big bath, little bath, sponge bath, it all set him off terribly. It wasn’t until he was able to sit up without assistance before I could really introduce him to a proper bath.

I started by sitting him in a plastic wee tub, filled with toys. He was happy about this. Next, I put the plastic toy-filled tub inside the regular sized tub. While he was happily playing with the toys, I put a small amount of warm water from a pitcher in the wee tub. Gradually, I increased the amount, and finally, when I felt he was comfortable, he graduated to the big tub.

This story was to illustrate just how gradually he needs to be introduced to external stimuli.

Last night, he comes home with a girl he had been talking to online for quite a while. No warning, brings her in through the kitchen with all the food prep mess(soaking pots, etc) and drags her over to be introduced.

I ask if he’s hungry and begin to prepare supper. I come out to ask if she is one of those people who won’t eat in front of others to determine just how much I should make. (Note: I wouldn’t eat from a kitchen that looked like that if it weren’t my own.)

They are on the living room sofa, and she is draped all over him, all snuggly and romantic. Shortly, thereafter, she announces that she has to study, and, oh, my! she will get lost going back to the dorm without him to accompany her. I’m thinking “Study, my foot”, but say nothing. It’s obvious to me the girl is horny and wants some alone time with ABB.

He goes out with her, WITHOUT EATING HIS SUPPER. This boy treasures his grub. And I’m not overly thrilled to make a meal that will go uneaten.

He had no.clue. that she wanted some “alone time” with him. I had to tell him. He wonders why she didn’t just say so. Hah. She’s a 19 year old girl, that’s why.

Today, he tells me that he explained to her how he doesn’t like to be touched unexpectedly, and that they didn’t “do” anything.

I respond by commenting about protection, because it only takes once.

He says he will use a gun for protection. Funny.

I say even if it’s shooting blanks, you’re only half protected. I can be funny too.

Now, he’s wondering just how hard it will be to have a girlfriend if she expects all this touching stuff. He wants me to do the psychic thing and tell him if it will work out. I tell him that dating is practice for learning about one another, and it isn’t always easy, but it will give him skills to interact with someone he will love, much needed skills.

Now he has a lot to work out. This girl moves too fast for him, yet he longs for a girlfriend.

If only a girlfriend didn’t involve the touching thing…

Posted in Ass Burger Boy
May 26th, 2009 | 20 Comments »

Oh. Hi! Remember me? I’ve been one big sweaty ball of pain for the last six months or so. Which might account for my minimal posting. Or not. But I have finally got me a diagnosis, and with that, a plan. Plans are good. They give me confidence. Confidence that I can manage this pain without killing my liver any deader by using anti-inflammatories and wine in combination. Well, dead is dead, of course. What was I saying?

Oh yeah. I have a diagnosis for the pain in my neck and shoulders and arms and OH GOD I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE. Did I shout that? I’m sorry. Put your eyeplugs away now. It basically is a degenerative condition involving my C4 vertebra, which is odd, because you all know my aversion to bras, and I wish I had been kinder to this one. The good news is that I can take steps to really slow down or even stop the degeneration, and that is why I am excited about the plan.

Today, I saw my physiotherapist, Selda, who is totally not a sadist, so score! Over ten years of pretty steady computer usage (remember I went to geek school? I totally did.) and being unaware of my posture actually causes damage. Who knew? They should entirely cover how to sit so you don’t kill your liver in geek school. The geeks would be so grateful. Well, maybe just the older-than-the-instructors geeks.

Anyway, Selda was totally patient as she explained what was going on, and how I could benefit from the exercises. She told me what the goal of each exercise was, and how to modify the way I had been doing them the past week. And why. Why is important. I committed to 100% compliance to the schedule of exercises between last week and this week, and hot diggity, I saw some results! Small results, but it gives me hope. And my liver is gasping in exhaustion, but proud of me. Besides, I’ve been taking a product that is similar to glucosamine without the pesky side effects, and I’m convinced that I can keep this thing from getting worse.

So now that I have hope and all, I also have a plan to dig myself out of the financial hole the pain put me in. Well, that and that pesky trip to visit Skinny Bitch and get together with my father’s side of the family, including Grammie! We all love us some Grammie. It won’t take me long. I can do this. Shut up, I can. Ass Burger Boy is helping tremendously. On all fronts. I’m so proud of him.

And the pain in the butt? Has a name. Herman. (Thanks, Krissa.) We’ll address Herman when he is screaming for attention again. You’re welcome.

March 24th, 2009 | 17 Comments »

I know you’re thinking the usual way, and you would be partly right.

As soon as the wedding cleanup was done with, my first husband and I immediately began to receive pressure from his parents to make them grandparents.

We had other concerns, like travel, non-stop sex, and naked housework. You know, things that would make the marriage kind of fun. You’re welcome.

About two years after the ceremony, we were discussing the issue in bed, where all friendly talks are held, IMHO.

We decided that we would discontinue the birth control and see what happened.

The husband removed the birth control dispenser from the nightstand and flung it out the window. All without even getting out of bed. Awesome.

The next day I bought feminine supplies in bulk because they were on sale. Guaranteed to bring on a pregnancy.

They didn’t get used for about 40 weeks.

Later that very same week, I felt something different while performing the marital duties. Something more than the usual “the earth moved”. I just knew that we had conceived Dances With Shrapnel at that very moment. Wasn’t expecting it quite so soon.

I had a repeat of the same feeling when I conceived Ass Burger Boy. Right after going off the birth control. Also? Right after buying feminine supplies in bulk because they were on sale.

Fuh-reaky.

For those who are having difficulty conceiving, I’m sorry. For those who puke your guts out, I only barfed once in each pregnancy. I’m a freak of nature.

March 18th, 2009 | 15 Comments »
  • Ass Burger Boy has a job. With his first paycheck, he wanted to buy a new camera. I offered to buy his web cam to help him achieve his goal. He negotiated with me, just because he wanted to use his skills. So I paid $65 for something I have never used, and don’t really care to, so he could have his camera. And? He was $15 short after tax. That’s $80.
  • He used up the batteries in one freaking day.
  • This led to a frantic search for rechargeable batteries. Our charger did not work with these batteries. Our charger worked with a particular type of battery that is no longer available. $80 down the tubes.
  • He found another charger, plus batteries. With a replacement warranty plan. Another $112.
  • So he’s into me for about $130. Which was comforting when I went to buy a box of wine and discovered that there was not enough in the account to cover it. I wasn’t using my cash, so I did without. Even though the pain of tromping the freaking mall left me gasping.
  • I was thinking I might get domestic chores out of him in recompense, but it doesn’t look good. Once he gets what he wants, it seems what he agreed to do for it becomes unimportant.
  • I will get $60 back next pay, so I negotiated that I could share use of the camera for the remainder. So far, it has not left his grasping hands.
  • I wanted an image of my blog post idea notebook, and he was to take the image for me. It wasn’t readable. He suggested I use my scanner.
  • I had to explain all of these points to him since he was mystified as to why I was a tad cranky with him.
Posted in Ass Burger Boy