I just found the images I took last summer of Skinny Bitch and Will Yummy, just before I was kidnapped into a camping trip.

I had always wanted to convey the enormity of the cocktail glasses that Skinny Bitch uses, and finally! I have photographic evidence.

Thanks to Linda for reminding me to post puzzles.

Create your own puzzles at PuzzleBee.com!

Enjoy!

For once, I am speechless. The unthinkable has happened.

Skinny Bitch has been dumped.

Skinny Bitch and Will-Yummy

I know! She can’t comprehend it either.

I guess I need some backstory here.

When she had the terrible car wreck that left her in a halo brace for five months, she and Mr. SB had been divorced for some time. For good reason, I might add. She was more than a little bitter. Even fantasizing for ages how she could plot his demise, and get away with it. Don’t piss her off. She holds a grudge.

Mr. SB dropped everything, including his live-in girlfriend, rented his house out, and moved in to take care of Skinny Bitch and the kids. Heartstopper and Georgie were seven and nine years old at the time. He earned a lot of brownie points in my book for that. Not so much with Skinny Bitch. She holds a grudge.

Nobody but me believed this, but all the time this was going on, she and Mr. SB slept in the same bed, and didn’t have sex. Why? She holds a grudge.

Skinny Bitch compartmentalized her life. She kept a stable home for the kids, but she dated, went away for weekends when Mr. SB was available to take care of the kids, and? She fell in love.

For the first time in her life. Heartthrob was a beautiful man on the outside. Shiny, clean, long dark hair. Gentle, kind, smart and funny. The kind of man who never played mind games. Everybody who knew him adored him. The only thing that really really bothered her was their age difference. He was ten years younger. He still lived with his parents while he went back to school. He had no real ambition because he wasn’t big on accumulating wealth. He just wanted to live his life and be happy. Beautiful on the inside too.

Then her daughter, Heartstopper, turned thirteen, and all hell broke loose. The home situation required all of SB’s attention, and SB figured that Heartthrob could use some time to grow up a bit. They broke up, and Skinny Bitch tried very hard to pull together with Mr. SB to get the kids through this. They bought a beautiful house in a secluded neighbourhood, hoping to get Heartstopper away from her dirtbag boyfriend. The one who only went away because he was incarcerated for dealing drugs.

Mr. SB had his own ideas of raising a teenage daughter with a dirtbag boyfriend, and they consisted of believing anything she said and letting her do whatever she wanted. To say that Skinny Bitch was bitter would be grossly understating the case. She was the freaking queen of bitter. And? She was a wreck. I was very afeared for her sanity and well-being at this time.

Heartstopper turned eighteen, and Skinny Bitch began to accept that her parental say was over. She was still very bitter that Mr. SB sabotaged it with his dysfunctional parenting approach. She holds a grudge. Did I mention that?

Last summer, I knew that she was back to plotting Mr. SB’s demise in her head, just by the way she cut her eyes at him. I knew the end was very near.

She unlocked her insurance settlement after consulting with financial advisors, and bought herself a lovely Victorian house with a huge down payment. She said to me “What good is that money to me, sitting in investments, if I’m miserable?” It’s true, money can’t buy you happiness, but at last, she had her own space, where she had a say in her life. I was happy for her.

She asked me to email Heartthrob to find out what was going on in his life. He very generously donated server space and resources to me, so I could test out some sites I was developing. He also very generously had given me lots of development advice. Great guy!

Heartthrob was unattached, and they talked on the phone. He still loved her, and wanted to come over right away. I think if he had, he would still be there.

Skinny Bitch wanted to take it a bit more slowly. She called him a week later, and he was rather indifferent. A week after that, a man answered and said he had moved out to Alberta.

I never saw this coming. From everything I know about Heartthrob, he is not the kind of man to play games. The only man she has ever loved. And the only man who has ever dumped her. She was astonished as I was.

It’s been really rough for her. She can’t let it go. She has fantasies of them running through a meadow in slow motion, all happy and thrilled, and in the back of her mind, just a little, she is muttering “You fucker.”

Because, after all, she holds a grudge.

We were all crammed into a van, which boarded the ferry for a seventeen hour trip to Mooseland. There was Rye and Ginger, Illa, and Medicine Man.

Illa had generously offered half of her bed the night before, but neither of us was comfortable sleeping with someone, so it was an iffy nights sleep. And we had to be up at five am to catch the ferry.

There was entertainment on the ferry in many forms. I saw a little kid bouncing up and down in the video arcade around midnight.

Luckily, Tenderheart had rented a cabin, and various members of the psychic tour took turns crashing on one of the bunks in it. It was pure heaven to the sleep deprived.

Speaking of sleep-deprived, this morning Illa volunteered to go to Timmie’s and fetch us some breakkie. She asked if I wanted something, and I said I wasn’t hungry. I have no recollection of this.

But I digress.

On the ship was a husband and wife act in the lounge. I could tell by the way she cut her eyes at him that there was trouble in paradise that day.

He had a script of jokes, which he told well. He brought out this mandolin, which he informed us was his “girlfriend” adding that the wife was jealous of her.

Do I have a big mouth? Why, yes, yes I do.

I cracked “Does that bitch (the mandolin) make your supper for you?”

Immediately, the wife cracked up. Just lost it.

The husband? Not so much.

Will-Yummy and a few of his relatives hung out with me.

We always manage to have a good time.

I’m low man on the totem pole with these shared accommodations. Last one to get a shower, so left behind when the others run errands.

Will-Yummy and Tenderheart are showing the rellies around, and promised to stop by and take me with.

I have a plan. Let’s hope they remember the plan.

I had a great time at Skinny Bitch’s house while working the psychic fair in her city. The two of us play off each other, and we laugh till tears stream down our faces and we pee a little. Then we laugh some more. We refined the ingenious plot to torture her husband, but that is a different story.

The last night of the fair, we always close up shop around 7pm, so there is usually some socializing going on. Most of the psychics pick a nearby place with ho-hum food, and if I’m going to spend money on eats, it had best be something delicious.

So Skinny Bitch, my Port City Bitch, and myself went to an all you can eat lobster place, and came back afterwards to find that the psychic crew had already left ho-hum food land.

We did locate Will-Yummy and Tenderheart, which was who we were intent on seeing anyway. These two men are roomies, not lovers, and we visited them both in their very nice motor coach. Tenderheart doesn’t drink at all or socialize much, so we dragged Will-Yummy off for a night on the town that ended up at casa Skinny Bitch.

Port City Bitch* (pictured above) dropped us off, saying he had had enough of the wild side. Actually, he was aware of SB’s drink dispensing policy. And? He was driving.

Just to illustrate the size of the glasses SB mixes her most excellent drinks in: (I had a picture, but my batteries ran down. It’s gone now.) When she discovered them, the clerk said they were footed candy bowls. SB cocked her head, arched an eyebrow, and softly asked “Is that what you see when you look at them?” because she was totally loading them with ice and Bloody Caesars in her mind.

We consumed a few by the pool, and much hilarity and catching up ensued. They were both fascinated by my Skinny Bitch stories. Both read every one of them and laughed like fools. Will-Yummy announced that he was kidnapping me to go camping. At 5am, we gathered up most of my stuff, including the lovely housewarming gifts SB had given me, and taxied back to the motor coach, where I deposited my stuff and collapsed into the most comfortable bed I have ever slept in. The coach technically sleeps six, but since there were only three of us, plus one very cute dog, we all were very comfy in air-conditioned splendor.

I had a really great time. Will-Yummy and I laughed ourselves silly, while Tenderheart did the driving. There may have been beer. I know I brought a box of wine to leave at W-Y’s sister’s place. She was a most gracious hostess, and very down to earth. I asked if I was required to behave around his family, and was given a resounding NO! Be yourself!

And that’s exactly what I did.

I have given Tenderheart his blog name for good reason. While in the sister’s town, he spotted a stray dog, and asked me to keep an eye on Elton, his own dog, while he offered the stray food and water.

Since I’m a troublemaker at heart, I took the opportunity to tell Elton that Tenderheart was cheating on him with another dog. It must have worked because that night Elton slept with me. Hah!

All and all, I would have to say that although the ride in the motor coach took two days longer than a bus ride home, it was packed with so much fun and comfort that I believe I would go camping again.

If I were kidnapped. Because camping is apparently not for the weak.

*Photo courtesy of Tenderheart.

I know you have all been waiting for a pic of Skinny Bitch, but now you get a bonus.
Yes! SB and Will-Yummy feeling her boobies.
I do it because I love you.

I’m still having computer problems, but hope to resolve them soon. Then I will tell you the backstory of how I
got kidnapped into a camping trip.