December 26th, 2008 | 16 Comments »

Freedom! I can smell it, just around the corner.

Speaking of smells, I’m simmering turkey carcass to make stock. I made so many mashed potatoes for yesterday’s feast for two that I’m also fixing to freeze me a shepherd’s pie. Because, really, how often can you face left over mashed potatoes?

I was very happy this year that Ass Burger Boy chose to stay at home for the celebratory meal. There was a wee glitch when I upended his wine glass while reaching for the cranberry sauce. His meal was swimming in wine. He wouldn’t allow me to replace it, and even said the extra wine was quite yummy. (He had two more helpings, with only wine in his glass, not on his plate)

He ended up rather intoxicated.

I shouldn’t have refilled his glass.

I hope that you had a lovely, cosy, holiday meal, and happy family times.

December 24th, 2008 | 11 Comments »

The turkey is brining.

The stemware is shining.

The veg are all peeled.

Dessert is at hand.

Presents are wrapped.

I’d like to get zapped.

Posted in What's this?
December 19th, 2008 | 15 Comments »

I’m brain dead I hardly ever do this, but I’m going to post this meme that I stole from Ree, who stole it from Jess. Before I do, though, I want to point out that I always thought meme came from the french for same. And that’s how I pronounce it. No me-me here, folks.

Things you’ve already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven’t done and don’t want to – leave in plain font

1. Started your own blog. Several, actually. This is the only one I’ve sustained for more than a month or two.
2. Slept under the stars. In a big wind. Eejit. Young
3. Played in a band. That would require musical talent.
4. Visited Hawaii. I’m all about getting lei’d and pulling pork.
5. Watched a meteor shower. It’s an annual occasion. With wine. And my highschool BFF. At her house.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. I also have residual back pain from it.
7. Been to Disneyland/World. Yes, I’m that person who has no desire to stand in long lines in the sun with cranky children. Bite me.
8. Climbed a mountain. Does Simpson’s Hill count?.
9. Held a praying mantis. Would it bite me?
10. Sang a solo. In grade one. The humiliation convinced me that the only place my singing sounded good was in my head.
11. Bunge jumped.
12. Visited Paris. For the food, not the rude.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. Wicked.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. More a craft.
15. Adopted a child. Fantasized about adopting mine out when he was fifteen. I’m feeling MUCH better now.
16. Had food poisoning. Wasn’t even nauseous during pregnancies.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Do I LOOK like I work out?
18. Grown your own vegetables. Would love to do it again.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. Again, the food.
20. Slept on an overnight train.. From east coast to west coast of Canada. Highly overrated.
21. Had a pillow fight.. Isn’t that what pillows are for?
22. Hitch hiked.. Again. Eejit. Young.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.. Yer lying if you said you haven’t.
24. Built a snow fort.. Yes. Snow was free. It was our toy.
25. Held a lamb.. And a goat kid. Regular kids too.
26. Gone skinny dipping..Oh, yeah. *fans face*
27. Run a Marathon. Are you even kidding me?
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice..
29. Seen a total eclipse. I was in the mall when it happened. I hear it’s bad for the eyes.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.. More sunsets than sunrises.
31. Hit a home run.. Yes, yes, I have. Probably an accident.
32. Been on a cruise.. Oh, Lord. The food. The cruise wear. No.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person..
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.. Was born there.
35. Seen an Amish community.. They frown on drinking, smoking and cussing, don’t they? And general sloth?
36. Taught yourself a new language..
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied..Working on it.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.. I was a mountain goat as a kid. Geddit? Kid?
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David. Statue of nekkid man? I hear the food’s good there.
41. Sung karaoke..Trust me, nobody wants to hear me sing.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.. That was our nickname for my husband’s penis. Not that it was faithful to me, but that it could be counted on to erupt regularly.TMI? Okay, I made that up then.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant..You have a problem with that?
44. Visited Africa..
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.. Oh, yes. Memories.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.. Why, yes, yes I have. It could have been far worse.
47. Had your portrait painted. Been there, done that.
48. Gone deep sea fishing..
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.. Not necessary. I can do remote viewing. It’s awesome. No security checkpoints.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris..
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.. .
52. Kissed in the rain.. Good clean fun.
53. Played in the mud.. Good dirty fun.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.. More good dirty fun.
55. Been in a movie.. Does a documentary count? If so, then I was totally in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.. You may get the sense that I travelled so much as a kid I’m over it now. You might be right.
57. Started a business..
58. Taken a martial arts class. You’re kidding me, right?
59. Visited Russia.. I hear it’s cold and full of Russians.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.. Yup. Soup was not on the menu.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. Can you believe it?
62. Gone whale watching..Most awesome experience ever. Wicked.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason.. Yes. Hate the guilt flowers though.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.. I didn’t faint.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.. Ewww, the vibes…
67. Bounced a check.. Oooops! Hasn’t everyone?
68. Flown in a helicopter..
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy..Childhood fire wiped out the childhood artifacts.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial..
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job – Apparently those mental health days caught up with me.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London Ottawa. They also have the ceremony in Ottawa, which I totally saw.
77. Broken a bone…
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. With an extreme hottie.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person..
80. Published a book.. Have neither the talent nor the discipline.
81. Visited the Vatican.. The Pope hasn’t requested my presence yet.
82. Bought a brand new car.. Sold cars. Never buy new.
83. Walked in Jerusalem. What? No donkey? I would like to do Jerusalem on Shrek’s donkay.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.. Many times. They love psychics.
85. Read the entire Bible.. Bet you didn’t know that, did you?
86. Visited the White House..
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.. We never named our chickens anything but dinner.
88. Had chickenpox.. And Mumps & Measles.
89. Saved someone’s life.. While fearing for my own. Not what you think.
90. Sat on a jury..
91. Met someone famous.. Yes, but fame in Canada is slightly different.
92. Joined a book club.. Not a joiner.
93. Lost a loved one.. Still hurts.
94. Had a baby. It was so much fun, I did it twice.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.. Why would I want to do that?
97. Been involved in a law suit..
98. Owned a cell phone.. Hope I never will.
99. Been stung by a bee.. Hornet. The sap from Calendula leaves takes the sting away in about ten minutes.

Now it’s obvious that I have no desire to see foreign countries anymore except for the food, but I have done a few things in my time. What about you? And who answers no to the first question if they do the meme?

Posted in memes
December 18th, 2008 | 17 Comments »

Sometimes, it’s tough to dredge up a post involving search terms for me, because a lot of them are similar. So when I see one that is mildly intriguing, why I just paste it into my editor and save it until I get a few I can reply to. Here is the current crop. Do you notice a theme?

i fart a lot never poop A fart is your body’s signal that a poop is imminent. Ignore it at your peril, and periodically produce painful, rock-like waste matter.

punishment for farting See above. That? Is punishment.

funny poopy It must be the 10 year old boy in all of us, but yes.

does colonic irrigation stop me farting No, it doesn’t. But it does make your magnificent farts visible

“hair in rollers” Just don’t sleep in them. Painful.

cleaning the house naked Yes. But no cooking with hot oil or bacon. Ouch.

“sex with shoes” How would you obtain the consent of said shoes? And what kind of a fit would that be anyway? (Tab A, Slot B, I don’t think so)

skinny bitch real? One hundred percent real. I read the stories to her and she congratulated me on my excellent memory. Only thing changed is the name.

i know i can be a bitch Don’t worry. Even bitches have friends. Usually people who enjoy being pushed around and yelled at for no reason.

Posted in search terms
December 16th, 2008 | 19 Comments »

What did I have for supper Sunday evening?

Strawberry Twizzlers.

They’re cheap, very filling, and require no cooking.

I’m kind of in a twizzler blogging mode.

Even a visit from Warrior Woman (bearing wine) elicited no bloggable stories this time. Or maybe the wine made me forget them.

After a few hours, I felt guilty that I hadn’t fed her. (She brought wine, people!) so called for takeout from a nearby establishment.

That was the extent of my cooking ambition.